Making and Keeping Friends

Why is it that some people make and keep friends easily, maintain their friendships over years and miles of separation, while others struggle to get beyond general acquaintances?

The truth is that, like all relationships, it takes work. Although it seems that some people make and keep lots of friends without any effort at all, chances are this is not the case. It may be something that they do unconsciously, but take it from me, they are actively working to make and  keep their friendships, whether they realize it or not.

The skills and techniques for making and keeping friends can be learned by anyone. The more they are put into practice, the more natural they become, and so the more successful.

Let's start by thinking about childhood, that time before you became self conscious and worried about what other people thought of you. Young children make, keep and break friendships easily and regularly through casual interaction. They learn to play together, to give and take. There will be the odd disagreement when two children want to play with the same toy, or take the same role in a game. But these are usually short-lived and soon forgotten.

In these early childhood encounters there are no expectations or judgments being made. The children are willing to accept others into the group without question. Nothing is planned, it just happens. Different children bond at different times. It's completely natural, in fact it's no big deal for them.

Sadly when older children and adults encounter new people, they bring along a bag full of misconceptions, expectations and fears: 'will she like me?' ... 'will I make a fool of myself?' ... 'what can I talk about?' etc. Already there is a fear of failure creeping in, which can undermine the opportunity to make and keep new friends. And sometimes that fear of failing is so great it overwhelms the benefits that could be achieved, and the attempt isn't made.

If you are going to make acquaintances and keep friends of any kind, work related or personal, you've got to be willing to try. Start by accepting these basic truths:

not everyone you meet will want to befriend you -- and this is fine because

there are a lot of people who you won't want to become friendly with anyway

if you try to get acquainted with someone and they don't respond, it's not the end of the world

no-one is keeping score. Some people make and keep lots of friends and acquaintances, others have fewer. It doesn't matter. There are no rules ... no targets to meet

friendships evolve over time, they can't be forced

Accept these truths and you will keep things in perspective. Stop worrying that you have to try and make a friend of everyone you meet. Stop comparing yourself against people who seem to be more popular.

As a child I often felt I was on the outside of the group when I wanted to be on the inside. I tried so hard. I followed what others were doing even when I didn't want to, or didn't think it was right. I tried to draw attention to myself, to make myself interesting – someone these people would want to make a friend of. Because I was afraid that no-one wanted to be my friend. What I didn't realize was that I was broadcasting: 'PLEASE LIKE ME, PLEASE BE MY FRIEND' loud and clear to everyone.

My desperation was obvious to everyone but me, and they weren't comfortable with it so they wouldn't let me get any closer. I stayed on the outside looking in, not knowing why.

I now know that I was trying too hard to be accepted. In fact I was trying to be someone different from who I really was, someone I thought other people would want to make their friend. Had I succeeded I would have felt I needed to maintain this role to keep the friendships going. These people wouldn't have been friends of the real me, but of the person I had created instead.

Where was the sense in that?

A friendship that has to be 'bought' in any way isn't a genuine, mutually beneficial relationship. It's an unequal relationship where one person has been given power by another, without asking for it, and possibly without realizing this has happened.

Most groups have a leader and followers. The leader may possess something the other group members don't, something that sets them apart and above. This could be strength, knowledge, or a secret place for group meetings. Whatever, the other members are willing to acknowledge this relationship.

With the person who is desperate to make a friend, they have given the power to the 'leader', their nominated 'friend', in return for being accepted.

Friendships develop between people who have something in common. What they have in common can be anything.

One of my school friendships began because Jill and I had the same birthday, and the teacher sat us  together in class. At first we had nothing in common apart from this. We came from different villages, had different family backgrounds, our parents didn't know one another. But from this small beginning we became and stayed friends throughout our school years, even when we were following different timetables in senior school.

Other times friendship grows from adversity. Two people who are both excluded from a group, or targeted by a teacher or employer, will often stick together for mutual support, and from this shaky start, friendship can blossom.

Many times it's a shared interest or involvement, say in a church group or following an interest or hobby, that is the start of friendship. In a work situation having similar responsibilities or shared tasks is often the catalyst for making and keeping friends.

Just because two people have something in common it doesn't follow that they will automatically become friends. They could attend the same social group for months or years and never become more than passing acquaintances. In the workplace they could sit side by side in meetings week after week, even support one another's contributions, but walk away afterwards without another word. Making this into a friendship can happen by accident or design, through a mix of verbal and non-verbal signals.

Shared communication is the starting point, but there are differences that signal the potential for making a new friend rather than just a conversation between two people. Look at the following exchange that might take place while waiting for the bus:

A: 'Terrible weather last night, wasn't it?'

B: 'Yes'

A: 'Did you hear that storm?'

B: 'Yes'

Can you see what's happening? Every conversation opener offered by A is being quickly closed down by B. Okay, the answers are valid ones for the questions (which are closed, rather than open), but because B is choosing single word answers when she could say more, she's not doing anything to develop the conversation. All the work is being left to A, and you can understand why she's likely to give up after a few tries.

And if there is also little or no eye contact between them there are no signals, verbal or otherwise, that suggest that it is worth trying to move beyond this basic level of communication.

Here's how it could have gone:

A: 'Terrible weather last night, wasn't it?'

B: 'Yes, did you hear that storm?'

A: 'Mmm. It woke me up about 3 am. That was some lightening show.'

B: 'Terrific. I just love watching storms. It's a shame I had to try and get back to sleep.'

A: 'Why does it always have to happen on a work day?'

B: 'I hate going into work when I've had a bad night's sleep. That always seems to be the day when there's extra pressure on.'

A: 'I know exactly what you mean.'

Together with the conversation, there is eye contact, and facial expressions that support the comments being made.

This may not develop into a friendship, but it has a lot more potential than the first conversation did. The next time these people meet they've already broken the ice. They've started to develop a shared history, which makes it more likely they'll talk again, rather than just nodding at one another or avoiding eye contact altogether.

Often people can be unsure of what to say to start a conversation. Worrying about the words makes it more difficult, and more likely that you won't say anything. Instead, try taking the opposite approach. Just say something, anything, that is relevant to the context you're in. But say it within the first few moments of coming into contact. The longer you leave it before starting to make conversation, the more uncomfortable it will feel.

From such modest beginnings acquaintanceship can grow and, in its turn, friendship.

In the above example the conversation could quickly move on to talking about what work the people do, or where they are going that day ... to family information ... to things happening in the neighborhood or the country ... to sport.

Because both people have shown themselves willing to have a conversation, they have also given themselves the opportunity to explore topics and find common ground.

What changes the encounter from an exchange of pleasantries with someone, to a friendship, is the way each responds to the other's input.

Friends are genuinely interested in one another. They're not looking for sparkling, witty conversation all the time or to be told about impressive achievements or enviable experiences, although they will happily listen to these. They're interested in the commonplace as well as the unusual, the minutia of life. The bad day at work as well as the exciting holiday to an exotic location.

They want to hear what each other thinks and feels, and will listen attentively. This usually means they won't interrupt what their friend is saying, or start their reply before their friend has finished speaking. Interruptions can suggest that you're more interested in what you have to say, than in what you're listening to. Friends aren't looking to score points off one another, so they won't automatically top a story with a better one, or otherwise try to 'outdo' one another.

Friends show mutual respect for one another. Each values, and makes the other feel valued and important to the relationship. They ask questions because they want to know more, to encourage the speaker. They listen to what they're told, respond to it, and remember it. They care about one another, and choose to spend time together because they enjoy each other's company. There doesn't need to be anything particular happening to bring them together once the friendship is formed.

Friends are comfortable in offering constructive criticism if appropriate, but not destructive criticism. They don't need, or expect, to have the same opinions on every subject, but they can debate and disagree without arguments breaking up the friendship.

Friendships begin where two people both give to one another without an expectation of anything in return. Time, attention, and interest are contributed freely, and likely move on to support, guidance, advice and encouragement as the friendship grows.

Giving without expectation of receiving is the foundation of friendship,  but the reality is that both choose to actively contribute so giving and  receiving is the norm, but it is not taken for granted. Both choose to take the steps needed to keep the friendship growing, and because this is done unconsciously it is a natural action, not labored or even consciously planned.

If you want to make and keep friends, the best advice, although it seems contrary, is to stop trying so hard.

Concentrate on creating the environment for building new contacts, some of which could lead to  friendship.

You won't make and keep friends if you rarely go where there are other people. Identify a hobby or interest that you would like to pursue and find a way you can do this in the company of other people. Join an evening class to learn something new or find an activity you can volunteer for locally. At this stage all you're trying to do is put yourself in the company of other people so you can get used to talking to them.

Make sure it's a genuine interest you've identified. Don't choose something just because you think it's popular. If you've gone somewhere purely to try and make friends and you don't have any interest in the activity it will be obvious to others. Remember that this shared context will help you to start conversations and break the ice, but if you're not interested in what you're talking about you will find it difficult to hide this. Be true to yourself. If you can't find some aspect of the activity you've chosen that genuinely interests you, you shouldn't be there.

Asking for help or information from someone who's been involved longer than you have is a good way to start a conversation. The response you get will help you decide whether you've found someone with whom you can start to build an acquaintanceship. And if your first attempts fail, don't be put off trying again, either with the same person or with someone else.

At work, you won't make or keep friends if you keep to yourself and don't interact with your co-workers.  Offering to help people, or asking for their help or guidance, is usually a good ice-breaker. If you are working jointly with other people on a project spending time discussing this can create the opportunity to move on to other topics.

If you're a new employee, or have moved to a new role in the company, take a little time to understand existing relationships before you plunge in. There may be cliques or groups of disenchanted or negative people and you don't want to choose these as the source of your potential friends. Start by treating everyone the same. Don't get too involved in conversations that dwell on negative issues especially related to your workplace or employer.

Try to get to know people on an individual basis rather than seeking entry to their 'gang'. It is possible to build up acquaintances, and even friendships, with people who belong to different 'gang's without having to take membership of any of them. And in the long run it's the better policy.

Some friendships form almost instantaneously when two people hit it off straight away. But in most cases it's a much slower process, evolving over months and years. True friendship can't be rushed. Trying to move things along too quickly may give out signals of desperation, which will likely to put off someone who could otherwise have become a friend. And once that happens it can be difficult, if not impossible, to get things back on a positive footing.

But equally, don't be too laid back in your approach otherwise you might send out a message that is interpreted as meaning you don't want to develop a friendship. If you meet someone you'd like to get to know better take natural opportunities to get into conversation with them. Don't always wait for them to start the conversation, but avoid monopolizing them as well. If the two of you both have that 'spark' that will grow into friendship, you'll both want to increase the amount of time you spend together, or the length of your conversations.

And remember those basic rules. There are millions of people out there, thousands of whom you have the potential to meet in one way or another. Of these, most will never become your friends. But the small number who do, and whose friendship you value, make the other encounters worth it.