Tips for Happy Relationships with Grandparents

What do you do when your parents or in-laws don't like the way you're bringing up their grandchildren?

It's difficult when people first become grandparents. They may try to be the parents again, wanting to use their valuable experience to bring up the new generation. But the new parents have their own plans, and these may not include using grandparents as a first source of advice. A real opportunity for misunderstanding, ill-feeling and even open warfare.

New grandparents need to work out their roles and new parents need to help them do this.

Sometimes grandparents can be over-eager, trying to get involved before they are asked, and carrying on even if they've been discouraged. New parents will want to get their own routines established first, and they may unwittingly create barriers without really meaning to.

Grandparents may also undermine parents, by comforting or rewarding a child who has been disciplined by her parents for example, or applying different -- and contradictory -- guidelines when the child is with them.

Where this happens you can end up with a child who is trying to work out which set of rules they're supposed to follow, playing parents off against grandparents, or becoming difficult to manage when stricter rules are applied by parents than grandparents or vice versa.

Maybe you would welcome the benefit of the experience of your, and your partner's parents. But you don't want this interpreted as you bring up your children according to their guidelines, especially if these are significantly different from your own.

It's best to try to avoid conflict if possible, and certainly in front of the children. Not only would this be unpleasant, but the children will soon work out the opportunities in the conflict, and exploit them. It's also important to keep a positive relationship, as children and grandparents who don't see each other will lose out on valuable experiences.

But it's important that your children know there is one set of guidelines -- which come from their parents. You also need to make sure that the grandparents know this, and will respect it. Discuss how difficult child rearing is, especially where the child sees opportunities to play sides against one another, and ask them for their support.

Be firm but calm if there is an issue: if you ask your child to do, or not do something, and a grandparent tries to interfere, you need to reinforce to your child that they know it is you they should be listening to. 'We've heard what granny says, but you and I already agreed that if you don't tidy up your toys when I ask, you don't get to stay up and watch the TV program. You've chosen not to tidy up after yourself, so you know what happens now.'

This gives a message to both child and grandparent together, and also reinforces that you aren't acting on a whim, you're following an agreed system that your child has already bought into.

If grandparents continually go against your wishes and won't agree to change, you may need to decide whether you are happy with your children having time alone with them. Of course discuss this first, explaining your concerns and asking for support, but in the same way you are teaching your child about commitments and responsibilities, you may need to teach their grandparents as well!

Deflect unsought advice by slightly changing the subject. In response to advice on disciplining your children, ask what your partner was like as a child, how often they needed disciplining, how this was done and how effective it was. Show interest, and empathize or sympathize where the story calls for it. You're not saying you're willing to act on the information you're given, but getting the subject away from your own children and methods, and showing an interest, should be sufficiently distracting.

If you need to, you could always follow up later by saying you tried some of the methods, and they didn't work - or maybe they did, in which case why wouldn't you include them in your repertoire? Bringing up children is hard enough without passing up on a good idea just because your mother-in-law suggested it!

If you're having difficulties with one set of grandparents, they may try and divide you as a couple, expecting their child to take their side. And as their child you may have divided loyalties, to both your parents and your partner. You and your partner need to present a single, united front to both your children and their grandparents, or you'll spend all your time trying to get out of the rings that have been run around you.

It's important that you are both agreed on actions and strategies, and both stand up to any attempts to change these. There may be times when your partner can make a difference, approaching her parents and trying to find out what is behind their unhelpful comments, for example, but these should also be used as an opportunity to make it clear that you, as parents, are together in your actions.

When criticism is aimed directly at you by your partner's parent(s) you may decide that it is better for your partner to sometimes visit them without you, either on his own or with your children. If this happens you both need to be confident that he won't give his parents the chance to put you down in any way. Refusing to be part of any conversation that is critical of you must be his solution.

Likewise he must be willing to enforce the guidelines you have both agreed for your children in your absence. His parents shouldn't see your absence as an opportunity to strengthen their position, but they may if your partner lets them.

You can get problems between two sets of grandparents, if one set believe they don't get the same 'deal' as the others. It doesn't matter what the truth is, if the perception is there, it could lead to ill feeling, especially if your children unwittingly talk about what they've been doing with their other grandparents.

Without it becoming a chore, try to keep things fairly equal.

If you live closer to your parents you may naturally see more of them than your partner's. But when you visit his parents you could stay longer to compensate. And make sure you invite both sets of parents to visit you, even if one can just 'drop in' while the others have to come for the weekend.

If you want your children to have overnight stays with grandparents – and they are willing to take on the visit – again try to alternate between venues.

For family get-togethers such as Christmas you may need to alternate year on year between each set of grandparents. Alternatively stay in your own home and invite the  grandparents for alternate visits.

Another concern can arise from the amount of money spent by different sets of grandparents, especially if this differs significantly. Whether the difference is related to disposable income or values, it doesn't really matter. If you want to maintain a balance, or you're just concerned about the amount one set of grandparents are spending on your children you should discuss it. You may risk offending someone, but at the end of the day  you don't want your children to grow up judging people in terms of their spending do you? 

There may come a time when you need to rely on a set of grandparents, maybe for childcare if you or your partner are ill, or if your regular arrangements fall down for some reason. You may also want to agree some more regular input, such as babysitting or taking the children for a night, a weekend or even a short holiday.

It's a fine line between enjoying your contribution to your grandchild's life and feeling you're being taken advantage of. Sometimes grandparents find they've got themselves into a set of obligations they didn't really plan, but are left with no time to do the things they want.

Or maybe their health or income no longer lets them do the things they used to, but they're unwilling to admit it so they struggle on, looking after children who are now more demanding than they feel comfortable with, or carrying on spending money on the grandchildren because they feel it's expected of them.

As parents you need to be aware of these possibilities, and keep checking that things are still okay, that everyone is still contributing in the way they want – and can afford – to. But you shouldn't just jump in and change arrangements because you've decided something is too much for granddad now he's turned 70. You may be taking away something that was a key part of granddad's life, and the disappointment he feels may be difficult to get over.

If you do feel that things need to change for any reason, it's important to discuss this honestly and openly, and over time. Don't suddenly announce that the children will no longer be coming to gran's for tea after tomorrow – prepare everyone for the changes, and do everything you can to make sure the reasons for change are sound, and understood by everyone, including the children.

Your abrupt cancellation of weekly visits without notice or explanation could mean that when you really need help and support from your mother-in-law, it's only grudgingly given, if at all. And who could blame her: how would you feel if the same thing had happened to you?

As parents, you are pivotal to the success of relationships between the three generations. It may take some work to keep things going smoothly at times, but it's worth it in the end. Children and grandparents can gain so much from ongoing contact, and you will get the positive spin-offs as well!