» Do you make this mistake with your dreams?

We have friends who live about 90 minutes drive away on the opposite peninsula of the Peloponnese in southern Greece. They’ve been here longer than we have, first moving out from the UK when they were experiencing difficulties controlling a house build over such a distance and with language challenges. They’ve come through a lot over the past 3 or 4 years: legal issues, difficulties with builders, getting work re-done because it wasn’t up to standard, finding out the hard way that Greek standards and English ones can be very different. But they’ve come through it, and finally have a lovely, high spec home on the edge of a pretty village, with beautiful views over the Gulf of Messinia.

It’s no more than 6 months since they finally moved in to the home that finalized their dream of a new life in Greece. But they’ve already put it on the market and are planning to move back to England. Why? One of them misses family back in the UK, and has found it very difficult to settle.

Another couple we know have also had problems. In their case problems have been created by their ex-developer, whose interpretation of building permissions appears to have been somewhat on the generous side. What seemed like an ideal option: a small plot on the edge of town has turned into a battle over boundaries, access and even electricity supplies. The experience has soured this couple’s feelings about Greece in general, and they’re contemplating selling up and moving back to England – when they finally get everything sorted out, that is.

We’ve heard of another situation where a couple have legally split with their developer – in the middle of a build. So they’re left with a part-completed house, and again with bad feelings about the whole experience. Their initial dream has been shattered, in part by their own expectations coming up against reality, and in part by external factors such as the economic downturn forcing them to consider changes that they didn’t want. In this case we don’t know what the final outcome will be: will they too decide to sell up, or will a distancing period help them get a better perspective again?

All these people started out with a dream. Nothing at all wrong with that, of course. In fact if you don’t dare to dream, chances are you’ll never achieve anything. And without that dream none of these three couples would ever have left the UK.

But having a dream and realizing that dream are very different things. And the route from one to the other is not guaranteed to be smooth. Where that dream is too far from reality chances are that disappointment and disillusionment are just around the corner. All these people have suffered considerable stress and unhappiness from the situation they’ve found themselves in.

In neuro-linguistic programming there is a vital phase in the process of change called future pacing. Basically this means imagining you have already achieved what you want – your dream has become a reality – and checking out what it is actually like. You ask questions like:

How will life be different for me if I achieve what I want?

Who will I be sharing this new life with?

What will I be doing/feeling/thinking?

What will I lose from the life I have now, and am I willing to give these things up?

What could happen to stop me achieving what I want, and what can I do about it?

What will happen if I don’t achieve what I want?

Do I have all the resources I need (personal, financial, knowledge etc.) to achieve what I want? If not, what else do I need to acquire and how can I do this?

Whether it’s a move to a different country, or giving up smoking, asking these questions makes you face up to the reality of what you are planning. True, you can’t predict exactly what every aspect of realizing your dream will be like, but if you give yourself honest answers to the questions you can make sure you address the key issues for you.

If you can’t answer these questions, and demonstrate how you will deal with inevitable obstacles, you’re not ready to go for the dream. Telling yourself it will work out and you’ll worry about things when they happen, not before, may seem a calm, relaxed approach but it only works if you can remain calm and relaxed when things go wrong. This is possible if you are flexible about the finer details of your final outcome. But if your dream is one where every detail is fixed in stone, or your approach is ‘all or nothing’, then failing to future pace your dream is a big mistake.

Here’s an example of how it can be:

Another couple who moved to Greece over 5 years ago were unable to build their dream home immediately as their capital was tied up in a property elsewhere in Europe, which didn’t sell for 4 years. Finally this year they were ready to proceed, but then came the challenges:

Their chosen building company became unresponsive to their emails; a Greece-based alternative was sought but not found. Prices had escalated since their original plans were made, and basic foundation work was going to take a larger slice of their finds than they had bargained for. A couple of health challenges meant they were unlikely to be as actively involved in the construction process as they’d hoped, meaning they would have to pay more for labor costs.

In short, what could go wrong seemed to be going wrong.

But each time they hit a barrier or a new disappointment they stepped back, thought about things and looked for an alternative route. They soon realized their original dream wasn’t going to become their reality, but they reconciled themselves to this and sought alternatives. After waiting so long it must have been immensely disappointing to start the whole thinking and planning phase again, but they accepted this was what they must do, and just got on with it.

This couple had a finite, detailed dream – we’ve seen their building plans. But they were also prepared to make adjustments and to accept that there is more than one acceptable outcome to their plans. They too have found the situation stressful, but at the end of the day they will have a solution they’re comfortable with – and they’ll still be in Greece.

Failure to future pace can lead to a gap between dreams and reality