» Think Before You Speak

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Maybe it helps to deflect unwelcome comments but as a statement it couldn’t be further from the truth. Broken bones  heal within a short time, the damage inflicted by unkind or unjudged words can last a lifetime.

Years ago I asked my mother why she no longer wore skirts or dresses. She explained that she hadn’t worn them since a comment I’d made some time previously. I had seen her in a skirt and commented that her legs were very thin. A comment that had not been meant as anything more than a statement of fact, but it had gone much deeper and knocked her self image so she didn’t want to be seen in skirts again.

As a schoolgirl I had been the recipient of a similar comment, made in jest. Short skirts were ‘in’, the shorter the better. The epitome being a skirt whose waistband was folded over so many times it  only just covered the essentials. Wanting to be one of the crowd, I too shortened my skirt as much as I dared. Until the day when I heard a boy laughingly describe my legs as ‘lamb chops on stilts’. I knew I was thin, but to hear my skinny pins described as topped by fat thighs was the worst of all worlds. Over 30 years later I can still hear the words, and feel the humiliation.

Some years ago I was involved in an assessment program for a professional qualification. Part of  the assessment was of 1:1 interviews against a set of standards. As I gave feedback to a particular candidate I was concerned to hear her continually describing herself as ’stupid’.

‘Who first told you that you were stupid?’ I asked.

She sat for a few seconds and then tears began to trickle down her cheeks. I’d really hit a nerve. She acknowledged that I was right, and that she had been told she was stupid as a child, by someone close to her. We spent some time identifying skills and knowledge she had that successfully challenged this description, as I worked to help her replace this destructive opinion with more positive and supportive ones that were grounded in experiences she knew were true.

More recently I’ve found myself drifting into a similarly self-destructive dialog at times. I’ve started to describe myself as clumsy, even though I know I’m not. Everyone occasionally knocks something over when they turn without looking, or drops something on the floor, or trips over a trailing wire. I’m no different to anyone else. But after a couple of instances I found myself saying – either out loud or internally – ’stop being so clumsy’. And then I realized that I was setting myself up: I was expecting to splash or trip or drop something.

This time it’s not one of those voices from the past talking to me. It’s only started recently and I know I’m doing it to myself. Realizing it’s started to happen is the first step towards stopping it. And I know I can stop it, because I can choose not to take notice of the voice, not to accept the label it’s trying to pin on me.

But it’s much more difficult for children.

Children aren’t yet able to defend themselves against negative comments, or recognize those destructive voices for what they are. Children readily accept this input at a time when their self image is still being formed. It’s a crucial period, when an ill-made comment could mean the difference between a confident child and an introverted, self-conscious one. It’s important to make sure that children are given nothing but positive words and images to relate to themselves.

Because you can be certain that if you want a child to grow up clumsy, or never smiling, or believing they are stupid, all you’ve got to do is describe them in these words often enough. And if you want a child to grow up and make the most of their potential, the same rules apply: tell them they have ability, give them regular, positive strokes when you describe them, both to themselves and to other people.

Use your words carefully, they could carry more weight than you think