» They’re looking at you…

People watching

At the hairdresser’s the other day we got to talking about Greek people and death, or more specifically mourning.

Our landlady’s father in law died just over a year ago and she wore black for a whole year, while her husband only mourned for 40 days. Her mother in law, who was already a widow and is now also mourning a son, will wear black for the rest of her life. That’s why you see so many little old ladies wearing black in Greece, they’re all mourning one or more people.

But back to that conversation…

Kiki, the hairdresser, told me why she thought this extended outward show of mourning still happens in this area of Greece. It all comes down to people – the women really – worrying what others will say if they don’t follow the old traditions. If someone stops wearing black after 40 days their neighbors are likely to start gossiping about them, maybe suggesting that they’re not showing enough respect, and the women are sufficiently concerned about this to make sure they meet the expectations of their neighbors

Years ago when I was a student I had a t-shirt with an eye-catching slogan. It was from a pub called the Fox and Firkin and (can you guess yet?…) the slogan read:

For fox sake, buy me a firkin pint.

To her acute embarrassment I wore this when I was out with my mother, in a local pub where we both knew lots of people. Her main concern was that people would be looking at me and talking about me, making judgments about me based on what I was wearing, and by default also making judgments about her as the mother of this dreadful girl. I don’t know if they were, I didn’t bother to look, telling her that if they were talking about me they couldn’t also be talking about someone else.

I’m not always able to shrug it off though. Having been brought up hearing the regular admonition: ‘everybody’s looking at you’ I was very self conscious as I grew up, and it still affects me now at times. When we first decided to move to Greece my husband and I dealt with this in very different ways. He was open about our plans, discussing them with friends, family and work colleagues. I was exactly the opposite: I told almost no-one. In fact, apart from my immediate boss, I only told my work colleagues the day I handed in my resignation.

Taking this route had led me into some sticky moments. The first step in our life change was selling our house, and as we didn’t plan to buy another we moved in with my sister until we were ready to move. This meant I was suddenly in the position of having a daily 150 mile round-trip to work, which inevitably led to questions about my living plans. I was able to answer truthfully without giving anything away, by saying we hadn’t yet decided on our next home – which was true in principle, but hid the fact that we had decided that it would be in a different country. I felt uncomfortable with this deception, but my desire not to discuss my plans was stronger.

Why?

I didn’t want to tell people about my plans in case they didn’t work out. I didn’t want to have conversations about moving to Greece and then have to explain why it wasn’t going to happen. I was afraid of the embarrassment of having to justify my failure, and how other people might view this. I always felt uncomfortable listening to my husband discussing our ideas. Inside I would be cringing and wishing he would shut up. I never said anything to him about my feelings, but when I was drawn into the conversation I would always respond in a vague way, not wanting to commit myself to any specific time frame or plan – just in case.

My mother was still there, inside my head, reminding me that it wasn’t good for people to be talking about me so I shouldn’t give them anything to talk about. The assumption was always that what they might be saying would be negative and judgmental. Like the Greek women, I assumed they would be judging me against their standards and I would fall short. It never occurred to me that people might actually be interesting in, and supportive of, my plans. Or that, even if things didn’t work out, they wouldn’t condemn me in any way for this.

Trying to fit in with, or keep up with, people whose standards and values you’ve decided are more important than your own is an extension of this. It’s also what’s behind the constant pressure on children and teenagers to have the ‘right’ clothes, shoes and accessories, and on parents to queue through the night to make sure they buy the latest games console so their kids won’t be left out.

Worrying what others may think of us, how they may judge us, is something many people do. And sometimes they go further and live their lives based on what they believe other people might think, or expect them to do. They fit in with what they believe to be other peoples’ expectations rather than living by their own values and standards.

But this is an extremely unhealthy way to be. It’s limiting. It means you may never do what you really want because you’re afraid of what other people think. It means you’re more worried about being accepted by the crowd than fulfilling your real potential. It means you let others foist their opinions on you, rather than forming or expressing your own.

And it’s dangerous: people go into debt to buy things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Children are put under pressure by their peers, and ostracized, ridiculed or bullied if they don’t fit in with the crowd. Parents encourage their children to believe life is about having the biggest or most expensive material possessions, rather than teaching them the really important things, like building self confidence, and developing strong relationships that aren’t based around comparing possessions.

It can be hard to stand against the tide of the masses, to ignore what other people are saying and thinking about you – if in fact they are saying or thinking anything. It needs solid self confidence and strong self esteem to plow your own furrow. But it’s worth it. Being your own person, with your own standards, values and beliefs, gives you a much better chance of succeeding, whatever you want to do with your life.

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