» One tiny word – but such power!

When I was a manager in a careers guidance service one of my responsibilities was to ensure my staff were delivering their guidance to acceptable standards. This meant observing several of their 1:1 interviews with young people each year, assessing them against a set of standards. This was often more nerve-wracking for the guidance counselor than it was for the young person.

I remember a particular occasion that taught me a lot about communication.

The young person was a typical 15 yr old, and the discussion was about what he would do once he’d completed his GCSE exams the following summer. The procedure followed was standard: exploring the maturity of his career plans through a series of probing questions.

The skill of the guidance practitioner is to develop a conversation where the young person feels comfortable discussing his ideas, and is also able to handle challenges designed to test how well developed and suitable they are for him, taking into account things like academic ability, attitude to study, local opportunities and so on.

Things started off well, with the usual techniques designed to relax the young person, then discussion moved on to his plans. He stated his ideas briefly, and was met with the question: ‘Why have you decided to do that?’, which he answered. Immediately the practitioner came back with another ‘why?’ question, then another, and another, all of which were answered. But with each question and answer I could see the pupil becoming more withdrawn. Eye contact was lost; he looked increasingly despondent, and after about half a dozen ‘why?’s in a row he dropped his head completely.

After that the discussion was going nowhere, and at my request it was brought to an end, leaving an unpleasant memory for both interviewer and interviewee. Once the young person had left we discussed what had happened, and I was concerned to find the practitioner didn’t realize his questioning had had such a devastating effect. It’s impossible to compare an assessed interview with a non-assessed one, but as far as he was concerned, the technique he used wasn’t any different on this occasion. Maybe he was more nervous with me sitting in the corner, and more forceful in his questioning, but other than that he felt there was no difference.

This led us on to a discussion of the words – or rather word – he had used: WHY?

Please don't ask me THAT question

A tiny little word that had been so devastating when used repeatedly. After the first couple of questions the young person didn’t really give any more useful information in response to the question. In fact he had gone into defensive mode and was trying to protect himself from further attack. He had shut down and withdrawn from the communication process.

How could a single word have caused this?

Think about what happens when someone asks you:

‘Why did you do that?’ or ‘Why do you want it?’.

What response does the question evoke? What feelings are aroused?

Chances are you feel that your answer needs to justify your position. Your actions, values or beliefs are being questioned. You immediately jump onto the defensive.

That simple question ‘Why did you do that?’ can be phrased in so many different ways. Say it out loud, putting the emphasis on each word in turn and you’ll see what I mean.

Each time the question feels negative. In fact it’s more of an interrogation than a simple question. Think about how parents often speak to their children, or how managers speak to their team. ‘Why’ is usually the first question word they use, but it doesn’t always get the information they want.

Have a go yourself:

Ask a series of ‘Why?’ questions and see what happens to the conversation. Ask whoever was on the receiving end of your barrage how it made them feel.

That’s the power of ‘Why?’.

There are alternative ways to phrase a question that don’t use the word ‘why?’ but are still asking this question. These are far more comfortable for the recipient:

What made you choose that option …

How did you decide to …

What was the reason for …

What prompted you to …

Can you explain the reason you …

How did you come to that conclusion …

And there are ways to use ‘why’ that don’t make it so threatening. Start your question with

Can you tell me why …

Can you help me to understand why …

Do you know why …

and you’re less likely to put people straight onto the defensive.

Next time you want to learn more about something without turning it into an interrogation, try using some of these alternatives and see what happens.