» Face That Fear

Whenever you’re hesitant or downright afraid to do something, a good way of getting past the moment is to stop for a minute and think about what you’re doing to scare yourself. Be open and honest with yourself about what’s happening, and bring your fear out into the open.

Here are some examples to show you what I mean:

Putting off asking for that raise - what's causing your fear?

I want to show my friends my new business idea but I’m scared to do it in case they think I’m after their money.

I want to ask my boss for a raise but I’m afraid he might tell me he’s not happy with my work.

I want to tell my partner about my dreams to go self employed but I’m scared she’ll tell me I’m a no-hoper.

I want to tell my parents I’m gay but I’m afraid they’ll get upset.

I want to tell my co-workers about my ideas for the new project but I’m afraid they’ll think I’m stupid.

I want to contribute to the debate in class but I’m scared someone will tell me I’ve got my facts wrong, and make me look stupid.

I want to talk over our relationship with my partner, but I’m afraid he’ll think I want to break up.

Get the idea?

The benefit of doing this is that now you know what your imagination is doing. And it is your imagination. Unless and until you actually do something you don’t know what the outcome will be. But that doesn’t stop you predicting it, right? And your prediction doesn’t have to be based on fact, or any probability of whether it’s likely to happen.

Take asking your boss for that raise. Maybe you’ve had a good appraisal or you’ve been complimented on recent work. But that doesn’t stop you thinking the boss could find fault with you. Maybe he won’t give you a raise – maybe the company can’t afford one at this time, or there’s an annual review program you have to work within. Whatever, there could be lots of reasons for him not giving you a raise that have absolutely nothing to do with your work, and being afraid to ask for one is definitely there on the list.

Or how about telling your parents you’re gay. You assume they’ll be upset. But maybe they’ve been wondering about your out-of-character behaviour anyway. Maybe they’re worried that you’ve become secretive or distant. Maybe they’ll be relieved to find the real reason isn’t something detrimental to your health, like drug abuse. Maybe they’ll be pleased to see you’ve found happiness. You can’t know until you take the step of talking to them.

Another benefit of finding out what your imagination is doing to scare you is that you can plan how to deal with the consequences.

If you tell your parents you’re gay maybe they will be upset. You have the opportunity to consider how you’re going to act, how you can best prepare them. Unless they’ve already guessed the situation you’re definitely going to be presenting them with some information that they’ll need time to get used to and you have the opportunity to help them with that.

If you’re afraid your friends will think you’re after your money for your new business idea, you can make sure you present it in such a way that they don’t think this. In fact you can turn it the other way and tell them you really don’t want – or need – their money and you wouldn’t prey on their friendship in this way. But then again you might just find that they’re interested in your idea and impressed with your commitment, and they want to invest in you or buy your product.