» Do it Face to Face!

When you really need to know something, or communicate something important forget email or other written communications. Try your best to do it in person, ideally face to face.

Why?

Written communication of any sort can be frustratingly ineffective and have extremely negative results.

Say things face to face and you'll avoid misunderstandings

You send an email or write a letter asking questions of someone. They choose which – if any – of your questions to reply to. The answers aren’t what you expected. Maybe they didn’t tell you everything you wanted, or needed to know. Maybe they chose to ignore some of your questions completely. Maybe the answer they gave didn’t make sense to you – they interpreted the question in a different way than you wanted them to. Whichever applies, you’re not much further forward than when you started.

So you try again. Depending on whether it’s a formal or informal communication, to a friend or stranger, you start again. Maybe you ask further questions based on their previous answers, or maybe you have to rephrase your question or simply ask it again. And again, you may not get the reply you’re hoping for. Your questions may still be ignored or misinterpreted.

The problem is that you don’t know what’s happening. You don’t know if someone is deliberately avoiding answering your questions or whether you haven’t stated them clearly enough. And if you keep to written communication there’s a chance you’ll never find out, even if you go so far as to ask: ‘Why aren’t you answering my questions??’ In fact this strategy is likely to lead result in even less effective communications.

If you’re dealing with a business, chances are you’ll stop trying and look elsewhere for another company to work with. If you’ve got a complaint, failure to communicate effectively at this first level can easily escalate a simple matter into a more serious situation.

But if you can actually see the person you need information from it’s so much easier.

If your question isn’t answered or you don’t get enough information from the answer you can pursue it straight away. You can ask more questions or say things differently if you need to. And it’s easier to tell when someone is trying to avoid answering you – and deal with it. You’ve got the opportunity to ask them direct if there is a reason for their avoidance. And, in person, you can make sure you do this in a way that won’t upset or annoy them.

In person you have the benefit of body language and other non-verbal signs to better help you understand the conversation. Facial expressions, changes in posture or breathing: all these things contribute to the conversation, enriching it or signaling difficulties or concerns.

If you can’t see the person but you can speak to them, you don’t have as many advantages but you’re still far better placed than if you’re writing. Someone on the other end of a telephone line being asked a direct question has less chance to avoid it without being challenged. You need to proceed carefully to find out the reasons for avoidance, but you’re much more likely to succeed than if your contact is totally impersonal.

Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to be in that face to face situation, especially if your communication is likely to upset the other person. Ending a relationship, telling someone they’ve been unsuccessful at interview, sacking someone or making them redundant are all situations most people would prefer to avoid. Dealing with others’ emotions makes many people uncomfortable, even tongue-tied.

Avoiding things by falling back on written communications doesn’t really make it better. You either agonize over the content of the ‘letter’ or you make it brief, even abrupt, leaving out things you might want to say. But chances are you still say them – inside your head, acting out scenarios. You still go through the emotions whether you’re face to face or not. And you don’t know how the recipient will deal with your missive. You can’t soften the blow in any way, however hard you try with your words.

Uncomfortable as it might feel at the time, having the courage to take a face to face approach whenever you can will actually give you the more comfortable outcome with far less chance for lingering misunderstanding.