» Criticism: Destructive or Constructive?

If you're going to comment on how tidy I am, don't bother visiting

Years ago, I used to clean my cooker when I was expecting a visit from my partner’s mother.

A friend of mine put a fresh coat of paint on the bedroom walls when they had relatives coming to stay.

Another friend apologises for not having dusted the furniture whenever we go round.

What’s going on here?

Why are so many people concerned about what others will think of them, how they will be judged? What are they afraid of?

When I visit someone, I’ve gone to see them. I’m interested in the individuals not their surroundings. Granted I may comment on a nice piece of furniture, an ornament or picture, but I’m not going to comment on whether the house is freshly cleaned and polished – either while I’m there or when I’ve gone home again. I don’t climb in my car, turn to my husband and say ‘Well aren’t they a messy couple?’

I asked my friend about the decorating: would her family really comment on the state of the paintwork (especially given the house is only a few years old and by no means in needs of painting)? No, she replied, they wouldn’t actually say anything, but they would notice (and presumably discuss it among themselves after the visit was over?). I wonder…

When we judge or criticise someone we are automatically setting ourselves above them. We are making the assumption that we are in some way morally superior – in our opinions, our tastes, our actions – whatever. We have no right to do this; whoever we’re criticising hasn’t given us explicit permission to do so. But if you worry about what others will say, you are implying that permission. You are choosing to give someone else moral superiority over you.

In doing this you also give away control. They may make judgements that are incorrect or unfair and there is nothing you can do about it. Chances are that you’re expecting them to make negative judgements anyway, otherwise why would you go to so much effort to ‘impress’ them?

If the judgements or criticisms find their way back to you, you may feel a desire to defend yourself, to apologise in some way for the fact that you haven’t met someone else’s standards, to explain why you made a particular decision or took a particular course of action. You are again confirming your inferiority to your critic.

Maybe this is why many people struggle with the concept of constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism is designed to be positive and helpful. It’s an opportunity to gain input from someone about something you did or said, identify what was good and not so good about it; and what and how you could make it better. Negative issues can be discussed calmly, exploring the reasoning behind an action, rather than just making an assumption based on the final impression.

If you’re used to destructive criticism, to judgements made without reference to the facts, then constructive criticism can be a difficult process. It’s an interactive process designed to benefit all parties. But experiences of destructive criticism and judgement don’t encourage someone to open up and discuss things. If you’re in the habit of defending yourself against the judgements of others you’re unlikely to find it easy to engage in calm discussion.

And even when someone comments positively on your actions you may still feel a need to explain them. You’re so unused to receiving positive input that you don’t recognise it when it’s staring you in the face.

Being assessed on your performance is similarly an exercise in constructive criticism. But it doesn’t always work out as a positive experience. When I first trained as a Careers Adviser the first year after completing my studies was a probationary period, when I had to complete various exercises and demonstrate that I had acquired key skills. Most of the assessments were done by my Line Manager. After interviews or group sessions we would sit down to discuss my performance.

I was comfortable with the process and welcomed insights on how I could improve my delivery. Unfortunately he was far less comfortable with the discussion. He was okay giving me feedback but as soon as I responded to this, developing the discussion, he would back off. He told me that he shouldn’t have to defend his comments – even though I wasn’t attacking or disagreeing with them, I just wanted to be sure I understood them.

My Manager wanted a one-way process: he would feed back, I would listen. So I rarely had the opportunity to really explore and understand his observations, and I was left feeling dissatisfied with the whole procedure. Maybe he’d been subjected to lots of negative criticism himself in the past; I never got the chance to find out as he would end our feedback sessions quickly when I tried to engage in a two-way discussion.

When you’re in a position to pass judgement on someone, either within your job or on a more informal basis, stop and think.