Sometimes it's good to let go of those routines and responsibilities

When I moved to Greece one of the things I was looking forward to was more control over my life.

I worked for many years in roles where I had a lot of responsibility – for people, systems or both. I’d get up each morning and the act of showering, dressing, eating breakfast and driving to work would be like putting on my ‘responsibility suit’. As I got closer to being fully clothed in this suit I’d start thinking about the day ahead, what tasks I needed to do, what challenges there might be etc.

Having finally been able to walk away from that life I was looking forward to being able to have more choice over what to do and when to do it. I definitely wanted to spend more time taking photographs and writing, but welcomed the fact that I wouldn’t feel hemmed in or tied down by routines, deadlines, targets and the like.

But it hasn’t really worked out like that.

It seems I’ve replaced one set of routines and responsibilities with another. As these have been chosen by me it makes sense that I can also choose not to follow them as and when I please. But the nature of a routine is to become a habit, and that’s what I’ve fallen into: a different set of habits, which sometimes feel as restricting as those I used to follow as a paid employee.

A fair portion of my time these days is internet related, working on our website and blog. Reading all the guidance about developing web-based communication I’ve set myself some targets related to the frequency with which to post articles on the two blogs. Nothing particularly daunting here, I’m not about to join that group of people who feel they have to post several times a day, but a commitment to regular, original posts that will keep the things alive.

This then creates a tension. I’m conscious of whether I have posts lined up ready to publish, or whether I’ve got to generate some new material. If it’s the latter I’m reviewing my experiences (as I live them) to see if they would make ‘blog fodder’. I’m wondering about pictures: what would work? Do I have it? Can I take it myself? Do I need to source it?

In some ways I’ve bought into the notion that I must post on time. As I get closer to that deadline, and there’s nothing ready or my IT is playing up (a regular occurrence at present) I can feel myself getting more and more edgy. Occasionally I post late and guess what?

THE WORLD DOESN’T STOP TURNING and no-one comes along and tells me off!

I see bloggers seeking guest posters to cover vacations. I see others posting lots of articles on the same day. And it makes me wonder:

?    Do readers get withdrawal symptoms if there are no posts for a short while as the blogger goes off for a break?

?    Do readers really have the time available to keep up with multiple new posts? Don’t they have a life outside of the internet?

?    And how about those bloggers? Even if they work ‘full time’ on their blogs, don’t they too have an off-line life?

Back to my own situation, I’ve decided it’s time to lighten up. I’m not going to abandon my posting program for two reasons:

Firstly, I don’t believe it’s particularly onerous.

And secondly, I think that without some sort of structure I could find myself getting out of the habit of posting, then having frenzied catch-up sessions that wouldn’t really leave me feeling any better.

But I’m not going to get worried if a post is a little late. And maybe sometimes I’ll replace the words with a picture I like, ideally one I’ve taken myself.

And beyond the blog I’m starting to get control of my life back.

Yesterday morning I didn’t feel like putting on my ‘responsibility suit’ when I first woke up. There were chores to do and people to see, but I wasn’t ready to get into harness. I wasn’t tired but I decided to stay in bed for a while, just dozing and daydreaming without focussing on the tasks of the day.

I certainly felt the benefit, but I still need to take the medicine regularly as towards the end of my ‘me time’ I started thinking about how this would make a good blog post!

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Whenever you’re hesitant or downright afraid to do something, a good way of getting past the moment is to stop for a minute and think about what you’re doing to scare yourself. Be open and honest with yourself about what’s happening, and bring your fear out into the open.

Here are some examples to show you what I mean:

Putting off asking for that raise - what's causing your fear?

I want to show my friends my new business idea but I’m scared to do it in case they think I’m after their money.

I want to ask my boss for a raise but I’m afraid he might tell me he’s not happy with my work.

I want to tell my partner about my dreams to go self employed but I’m scared she’ll tell me I’m a no-hoper.

I want to tell my parents I’m gay but I’m afraid they’ll get upset.

I want to tell my co-workers about my ideas for the new project but I’m afraid they’ll think I’m stupid.

I want to contribute to the debate in class but I’m scared someone will tell me I’ve got my facts wrong, and make me look stupid.

I want to talk over our relationship with my partner, but I’m afraid he’ll think I want to break up.

Get the idea?

The benefit of doing this is that now you know what your imagination is doing. And it is your imagination. Unless and until you actually do something you don’t know what the outcome will be. But that doesn’t stop you predicting it, right? And your prediction doesn’t have to be based on fact, or any probability of whether it’s likely to happen.

Take asking your boss for that raise. Maybe you’ve had a good appraisal or you’ve been complimented on recent work. But that doesn’t stop you thinking the boss could find fault with you. Maybe he won’t give you a raise – maybe the company can’t afford one at this time, or there’s an annual review program you have to work within. Whatever, there could be lots of reasons for him not giving you a raise that have absolutely nothing to do with your work, and being afraid to ask for one is definitely there on the list.

Or how about telling your parents you’re gay. You assume they’ll be upset. But maybe they’ve been wondering about your out-of-character behaviour anyway. Maybe they’re worried that you’ve become secretive or distant. Maybe they’ll be relieved to find the real reason isn’t something detrimental to your health, like drug abuse. Maybe they’ll be pleased to see you’ve found happiness. You can’t know until you take the step of talking to them.

Another benefit of finding out what your imagination is doing to scare you is that you can plan how to deal with the consequences.

If you tell your parents you’re gay maybe they will be upset. You have the opportunity to consider how you’re going to act, how you can best prepare them. Unless they’ve already guessed the situation you’re definitely going to be presenting them with some information that they’ll need time to get used to and you have the opportunity to help them with that.

If you’re afraid your friends will think you’re after your money for your new business idea, you can make sure you present it in such a way that they don’t think this. In fact you can turn it the other way and tell them you really don’t want – or need – their money and you wouldn’t prey on their friendship in this way. But then again you might just find that they’re interested in your idea and impressed with your commitment, and they want to invest in you or buy your product.

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If you're going to comment on how tidy I am, don't bother visiting

Years ago, I used to clean my cooker when I was expecting a visit from my partner’s mother.

A friend of mine put a fresh coat of paint on the bedroom walls when they had relatives coming to stay.

Another friend apologises for not having dusted the furniture whenever we go round.

What’s going on here?

Why are so many people concerned about what others will think of them, how they will be judged? What are they afraid of?

When I visit someone, I’ve gone to see them. I’m interested in the individuals not their surroundings. Granted I may comment on a nice piece of furniture, an ornament or picture, but I’m not going to comment on whether the house is freshly cleaned and polished – either while I’m there or when I’ve gone home again. I don’t climb in my car, turn to my husband and say ‘Well aren’t they a messy couple?’

I asked my friend about the decorating: would her family really comment on the state of the paintwork (especially given the house is only a few years old and by no means in needs of painting)? No, she replied, they wouldn’t actually say anything, but they would notice (and presumably discuss it among themselves after the visit was over?). I wonder…

When we judge or criticise someone we are automatically setting ourselves above them. We are making the assumption that we are in some way morally superior – in our opinions, our tastes, our actions – whatever. We have no right to do this; whoever we’re criticising hasn’t given us explicit permission to do so. But if you worry about what others will say, you are implying that permission. You are choosing to give someone else moral superiority over you.

In doing this you also give away control. They may make judgements that are incorrect or unfair and there is nothing you can do about it. Chances are that you’re expecting them to make negative judgements anyway, otherwise why would you go to so much effort to ‘impress’ them?

If the judgements or criticisms find their way back to you, you may feel a desire to defend yourself, to apologise in some way for the fact that you haven’t met someone else’s standards, to explain why you made a particular decision or took a particular course of action. You are again confirming your inferiority to your critic.

Maybe this is why many people struggle with the concept of constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism is designed to be positive and helpful. It’s an opportunity to gain input from someone about something you did or said, identify what was good and not so good about it; and what and how you could make it better. Negative issues can be discussed calmly, exploring the reasoning behind an action, rather than just making an assumption based on the final impression.

If you’re used to destructive criticism, to judgements made without reference to the facts, then constructive criticism can be a difficult process. It’s an interactive process designed to benefit all parties. But experiences of destructive criticism and judgement don’t encourage someone to open up and discuss things. If you’re in the habit of defending yourself against the judgements of others you’re unlikely to find it easy to engage in calm discussion.

And even when someone comments positively on your actions you may still feel a need to explain them. You’re so unused to receiving positive input that you don’t recognise it when it’s staring you in the face.

Being assessed on your performance is similarly an exercise in constructive criticism. But it doesn’t always work out as a positive experience. When I first trained as a Careers Adviser the first year after completing my studies was a probationary period, when I had to complete various exercises and demonstrate that I had acquired key skills. Most of the assessments were done by my Line Manager. After interviews or group sessions we would sit down to discuss my performance.

I was comfortable with the process and welcomed insights on how I could improve my delivery. Unfortunately he was far less comfortable with the discussion. He was okay giving me feedback but as soon as I responded to this, developing the discussion, he would back off. He told me that he shouldn’t have to defend his comments – even though I wasn’t attacking or disagreeing with them, I just wanted to be sure I understood them.

My Manager wanted a one-way process: he would feed back, I would listen. So I rarely had the opportunity to really explore and understand his observations, and I was left feeling dissatisfied with the whole procedure. Maybe he’d been subjected to lots of negative criticism himself in the past; I never got the chance to find out as he would end our feedback sessions quickly when I tried to engage in a two-way discussion.

When you’re in a position to pass judgement on someone, either within your job or on a more informal basis, stop and think.

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How often do you dig up the past, especially those things from your past that weren’t good. Do you re-live past events or conversations in your mind, remembering the negative experiences, feeling again the hurt, anger or disappointment. Maybe you, like a lot of people, construct your own version of ‘Groundhog Day’, re-running events with different dialog and better endings than the original.

The past has gone and you can’t go back. You can’t un-say or un-do things. You can’t go back and re-run that argument you had with your partner this morning, but you can choose how you feel about it.

What's YOUR choice?

You can choose to be angry or upset.
You can choose to blame your partner for everything that happened.
You can choose to wait until your partner apologizes.
You can choose not to communicate except in one word answers until your partner has apologized AND made things up – to your satisfaction.

And, of course, you can choose not to bother your partner with the details of these choices, but just wait for them to figure out what’s going on.

OR

You can choose to recognize that both of you contributed to the argument, and to accept responsibility for your part.
You can choose to be the first to apologize.
You can choose to be open and honest with your partner, and not expect them to complete some unspoken obstacle course before you will move on.
You can choose to replace anger with understanding, sadness with joy.
You can choose to dwell on the good things in your relationship, rather than prolonging the ill-feelings until you’ve squeezed every last drop of negativity out of them.

It really is your choice. No-one except you is calling the shots.

In your work when something has gone wrong you can’t turn back the clock to make it go right. You can choose to feel bad about what happened, to get angry or look for scapegoats.
You can choose to feel guilty, whatever your level of involvement was.
You can choose to spend lots of time unpicking the situation, examining it in minute detail to find exactly who messed up, when and how so you can make sure they know about it.

OR

You can choose to accept that things don’t always work out as you expect.
You can choose to unpick the situation as a learning experience – to find out what went well, to understand when things started to go off track and how
You can shooce to treat it as an opportunity to move forward , not a chance to rebuke someone.

If you’re unfortunate enough to be rebuked as a result of something going wrong, whether or not   you are culpable

You can choose to be angry and resentful.
You can choose to bad-mouth your colleagues or employer.
You can choose to give less than 100% in future.
You can choose to ‘take your ball home’.

OR

You can choose to replace anger with understanding.
You can choose to replace resentment with enthusiasm.
You can choose to replace reluctance with commitment.
You can choose to contribute to a dialog that will help reduce future difficulties for everyone.
You have the choice about how you feel in your working environment and with co-workers.

When your children do something they shouldn’t have

You can choose to get angry and shout at them in front of their friends.
You can choose to say ‘because I said so’ in explanation.
You can choose to deny them privileges without them really understanding why.
You can choose to chastise one minute then hug them to you the next, confusing the heck out of them as to whether they did wrong or not (and making them think that doing wrong is okay, because there are always hugs after the shouting is over).

OR

You can choose to discuss what happened quietly and calmly.
You can choose to explain why you are unhappy with their actions.
You can choose to use the event as an opportunity to build good values in your child.
You can choose to agree – and apply – any punishment in a consistent manner.

Which will YOU choose?

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‘Yesterday has just departed
and tomorrow hasn’t started
all that really matters is right now…’

the opening lyrics to the 1968 hit by Cupid’s Inspiration are wise words that we would all benefit by remembering. But so often we forget and try to live in the past, or second-guess the future, rather than making the most of the present minute: the only time slot that we actually have any control over.

Every day – every minute – right now in fact – you have the opportunity to make a fresh start, to transform your life. You can to make different choices that will lead to different outcomes. You can leave the difficulties and disappointments of the past behind you, discard those things that are holding you back, and move on. You can quit worrying about what the future might or might not bring.

And transforming your life is as difficult – or as easy – as you want to make it.

‘It is insane to repeat the same behavior while expecting a different outcome’.*

But when people decide to make a fresh start that’s often what they do. They try to make the change without thinking about how they may have to change. They think they can bring the same set of attitudes and behaviors into a different situation and everything will be fine, and then they’re surprised when it doesn’t work out.

There’s no point in changing your circumstances unless you’re also willing to change yourself to fit the new circumstances. You need to examine your attitudes and behaviors, your habits, your beliefs, and work out which are not going to work in your new situation. And you have to work out – and develop – those attitudes and behaviors that you will need to succeed in transforming your life.

If you plan to become wealthy you need to get over any ideas about wealth being a bad thing, and any prejudices you may have about how wealthy people live. You have to believe in your right to be wealthy, and be comfortable with having money, or it’s just not going to happen.

If you plan to downsize your lifestyle you need to re-examine your attitudes about ’stuff’ – material possessions – as your new environment may not allow you to have as many of these. You also have to think about how you will react to other peoples’ opinions, so you don’t start defending your choices as soon as anyone makes a comment about them.

If you plan to relocate you need to consider how you feel about being further away from your family. There’s no point moving half-way across the country – or continent – then suddenly deciding you can’t live without daily visits to your grandchildren. Following your plan means finding new ways of communicating, getting out of old habits and developing new ones that suit your new lifestyle.

Successfully transforming your life means casting off those worn out attitudes and behaviors that are part of a past that no longer exists, except in your memory. And it means getting started right now on embedding those new attitudes and behaviors that will help ensure your transformation succeeds. It’s no use waiting until tomorrow, giving yourself some time to settle before you start to make changes to yourself. You may leave it too late.

While you’re standing still the world is moving around you. Something will be different tomorrow. And that something could be significant for your future. If you truly want to transform your life you must seize the moment – and what really matters is what you do right now!

‘Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.’**

*Benjamin Franklin
**Sydney Harris

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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Maybe it helps to deflect unwelcome comments but as a statement it couldn’t be further from the truth. Broken bones  heal within a short time, the damage inflicted by unkind or unjudged words can last a lifetime.

Years ago I asked my mother why she no longer wore skirts or dresses. She explained that she hadn’t worn them since a comment I’d made some time previously. I had seen her in a skirt and commented that her legs were very thin. A comment that had not been meant as anything more than a statement of fact, but it had gone much deeper and knocked her self image so she didn’t want to be seen in skirts again.

As a schoolgirl I had been the recipient of a similar comment, made in jest. Short skirts were ‘in’, the shorter the better. The epitome being a skirt whose waistband was folded over so many times it  only just covered the essentials. Wanting to be one of the crowd, I too shortened my skirt as much as I dared. Until the day when I heard a boy laughingly describe my legs as ‘lamb chops on stilts’. I knew I was thin, but to hear my skinny pins described as topped by fat thighs was the worst of all worlds. Over 30 years later I can still hear the words, and feel the humiliation.

Some years ago I was involved in an assessment program for a professional qualification. Part of  the assessment was of 1:1 interviews against a set of standards. As I gave feedback to a particular candidate I was concerned to hear her continually describing herself as ’stupid’.

‘Who first told you that you were stupid?’ I asked.

She sat for a few seconds and then tears began to trickle down her cheeks. I’d really hit a nerve. She acknowledged that I was right, and that she had been told she was stupid as a child, by someone close to her. We spent some time identifying skills and knowledge she had that successfully challenged this description, as I worked to help her replace this destructive opinion with more positive and supportive ones that were grounded in experiences she knew were true.

More recently I’ve found myself drifting into a similarly self-destructive dialog at times. I’ve started to describe myself as clumsy, even though I know I’m not. Everyone occasionally knocks something over when they turn without looking, or drops something on the floor, or trips over a trailing wire. I’m no different to anyone else. But after a couple of instances I found myself saying – either out loud or internally – ’stop being so clumsy’. And then I realized that I was setting myself up: I was expecting to splash or trip or drop something.

This time it’s not one of those voices from the past talking to me. It’s only started recently and I know I’m doing it to myself. Realizing it’s started to happen is the first step towards stopping it. And I know I can stop it, because I can choose not to take notice of the voice, not to accept the label it’s trying to pin on me.

But it’s much more difficult for children.

Children aren’t yet able to defend themselves against negative comments, or recognize those destructive voices for what they are. Children readily accept this input at a time when their self image is still being formed. It’s a crucial period, when an ill-made comment could mean the difference between a confident child and an introverted, self-conscious one. It’s important to make sure that children are given nothing but positive words and images to relate to themselves.

Because you can be certain that if you want a child to grow up clumsy, or never smiling, or believing they are stupid, all you’ve got to do is describe them in these words often enough. And if you want a child to grow up and make the most of their potential, the same rules apply: tell them they have ability, give them regular, positive strokes when you describe them, both to themselves and to other people.

Use your words carefully, they could carry more weight than you think

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A simple task helps free your mind for serious thinking

I was reminded recently how much benefit you can get from simple, mind absorbing tasks.

When we were offered the opportunity to use some of the ground among the olive trees where we’re living there was a lot of work to do. The mass of 3 foot high weeds had been ‘cleared’ with a strimmer but new weed growth was already well established. The soil is quite heavy, and  needed a rotary tiller to open it up.

My task was simple: once the soil had been turned by the tiller I had to remove as many weeds, roots and stones as I could. A slow task that needed little active thought, just patience and attention to detail as I worked along the rows. Rushing is pointless – you just miss things and have to go over the same ground again.

It was warm, but not too warm for working. The machine produced a constant background noise, relaxing rather than distracting.

It’s the ideal time to let your mind wander. And so I did.

I was able to think about things that had been bothering me recently. About important decisions I need to make quite soon. I had the opportunity to think things through, to go over the information I already have and decide whether it’s enough to make my decision. I took each different choice in turn, imagining the outcome it would lead to.

By the end of my task I’d cleared the weeds from more than just the ground. My mind was clearer, my thoughts calmer and I was ready to make my decision. My body also appreciated the physical work-out.

But you don’t need to find outdoor tasks to get a similar opportunity to focus your mind. I’ve always found household chores an excellent way to engage my body while keeping my mind free. In fact, anything routine will do it.

Next time you have something you need to think about, when you need some time where you won’t be interrupted, try it: Find a routine task to occupy yourself, something that needs a small amount of attention but will also let you switch part of your mind onto another task.

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People watching

At the hairdresser’s the other day we got to talking about Greek people and death, or more specifically mourning.

Our landlady’s father in law died just over a year ago and she wore black for a whole year, while her husband only mourned for 40 days. Her mother in law, who was already a widow and is now also mourning a son, will wear black for the rest of her life. That’s why you see so many little old ladies wearing black in Greece, they’re all mourning one or more people.

But back to that conversation…

Kiki, the hairdresser, told me why she thought this extended outward show of mourning still happens in this area of Greece. It all comes down to people – the women really – worrying what others will say if they don’t follow the old traditions. If someone stops wearing black after 40 days their neighbors are likely to start gossiping about them, maybe suggesting that they’re not showing enough respect, and the women are sufficiently concerned about this to make sure they meet the expectations of their neighbors

Years ago when I was a student I had a t-shirt with an eye-catching slogan. It was from a pub called the Fox and Firkin and (can you guess yet?…) the slogan read:

For fox sake, buy me a firkin pint.

To her acute embarrassment I wore this when I was out with my mother, in a local pub where we both knew lots of people. Her main concern was that people would be looking at me and talking about me, making judgments about me based on what I was wearing, and by default also making judgments about her as the mother of this dreadful girl. I don’t know if they were, I didn’t bother to look, telling her that if they were talking about me they couldn’t also be talking about someone else.

I’m not always able to shrug it off though. Having been brought up hearing the regular admonition: ‘everybody’s looking at you’ I was very self conscious as I grew up, and it still affects me now at times. When we first decided to move to Greece my husband and I dealt with this in very different ways. He was open about our plans, discussing them with friends, family and work colleagues. I was exactly the opposite: I told almost no-one. In fact, apart from my immediate boss, I only told my work colleagues the day I handed in my resignation.

Taking this route had led me into some sticky moments. The first step in our life change was selling our house, and as we didn’t plan to buy another we moved in with my sister until we were ready to move. This meant I was suddenly in the position of having a daily 150 mile round-trip to work, which inevitably led to questions about my living plans. I was able to answer truthfully without giving anything away, by saying we hadn’t yet decided on our next home – which was true in principle, but hid the fact that we had decided that it would be in a different country. I felt uncomfortable with this deception, but my desire not to discuss my plans was stronger.

Why?

I didn’t want to tell people about my plans in case they didn’t work out. I didn’t want to have conversations about moving to Greece and then have to explain why it wasn’t going to happen. I was afraid of the embarrassment of having to justify my failure, and how other people might view this. I always felt uncomfortable listening to my husband discussing our ideas. Inside I would be cringing and wishing he would shut up. I never said anything to him about my feelings, but when I was drawn into the conversation I would always respond in a vague way, not wanting to commit myself to any specific time frame or plan – just in case.

My mother was still there, inside my head, reminding me that it wasn’t good for people to be talking about me so I shouldn’t give them anything to talk about. The assumption was always that what they might be saying would be negative and judgmental. Like the Greek women, I assumed they would be judging me against their standards and I would fall short. It never occurred to me that people might actually be interesting in, and supportive of, my plans. Or that, even if things didn’t work out, they wouldn’t condemn me in any way for this.

Trying to fit in with, or keep up with, people whose standards and values you’ve decided are more important than your own is an extension of this. It’s also what’s behind the constant pressure on children and teenagers to have the ‘right’ clothes, shoes and accessories, and on parents to queue through the night to make sure they buy the latest games console so their kids won’t be left out.

Worrying what others may think of us, how they may judge us, is something many people do. And sometimes they go further and live their lives based on what they believe other people might think, or expect them to do. They fit in with what they believe to be other peoples’ expectations rather than living by their own values and standards.

But this is an extremely unhealthy way to be. It’s limiting. It means you may never do what you really want because you’re afraid of what other people think. It means you’re more worried about being accepted by the crowd than fulfilling your real potential. It means you let others foist their opinions on you, rather than forming or expressing your own.

And it’s dangerous: people go into debt to buy things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Children are put under pressure by their peers, and ostracized, ridiculed or bullied if they don’t fit in with the crowd. Parents encourage their children to believe life is about having the biggest or most expensive material possessions, rather than teaching them the really important things, like building self confidence, and developing strong relationships that aren’t based around comparing possessions.

It can be hard to stand against the tide of the masses, to ignore what other people are saying and thinking about you – if in fact they are saying or thinking anything. It needs solid self confidence and strong self esteem to plow your own furrow. But it’s worth it. Being your own person, with your own standards, values and beliefs, gives you a much better chance of succeeding, whatever you want to do with your life.

Related Articles:

When Your Confidence Slips Away

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When my husband cooks a meal I sometimes find it difficult not to interfere.

It’s not that I don’t believe he’s perfectly capable of producing a decent meal. Actually, when he puts his mind to it he’s far more creative than I am so there’s no problem there. And it’s not that I don’t want him to cook. Far from it – I really appreciate having a ‘day off’ every now and again. But we do go about the activity in different ways.

Me: I’m a planner. I think about what I’m going to do, how it will all fit together, what I need to do first, etc. I work out when to put the oven on, when to start different things cooking so that everything will be ready at the same time. I have ways I like to cook things, pans I like to use.

He’s more laid back. He pays no real regard to how long different things take to cook. Sometimes he starts the vegetables off before the meat, which will take longer. A pan is a pan, a plate is a plate. As long as it does the job, it doesn’t matter whether it’s the right size, or serving its normal function (we often eat dessert off dinner plates when he’s in the kitchen).

And usually he sets the timer and goes straight back to the computer while things are cooking, rather than staying around the kitchen to keep an eye on progress. When the timer rings he doesn’t stir and then I’m in a dilemma:

Can you resist the urge to take control?

Do I assume he’s heard it and is finishing up what he’s doing?

Do I tell him it’s gone off in case he didn’t hear it?

Do I quietly get up and check on the meal’s progress myself?

I know I should sit and wait: he’s in charge for this meal and he’ll ask for help if he needs it. But often that’s difficult for me, especially if I think something needs attention. And although the food may take longer to reach the table, it’s usually no less edible than the meals I make.

The thing is, I’ve no way to control what might happen if I do decide to interfere. He could choose to take notice of me or completely ignore me.

When I managed a team of staff there were often discussions about how things were done. New staff tended to get caught up in the belief that there was a right way and a wrong way, and get hung up about doing things the ‘right’ way. But although there were procedures to be followed we were working with human beings (and young people at that) so no 2 situations were likely to be exactly the same. The way one person dealt with their client could easily be different from the way someone else would do it. And this was fine: the desired outcome could often be achieved by more than one method.

I always tried to instill into people the notion that different wasn’t wrong, it was just different. If someone had completed a task competently and successfully I wasn’t about to tell them off for doing it in a different way than I had envisaged. And if they’d used a method different from how I would have done it, I was interested to learn about it and expand my experience.

Sometimes people had a tendency to make things more difficult than they needed to be. Using IT was a prime example. We had some staff who preferred not to use the most straightforward ways of doing things. A simple task would take them much longer, and involve more steps, than it needed to, but even when they understood and agreed with the benefits of the easier method they chose to stick to their preferred way.

This could be frustrating. I couldn’t force people to change their methods even when I – and they – knew they would benefit by doing so. As the saying goes: ‘you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink’.

But it was a good reminder of one of life’s truths:

You have control over one life only: your own. However much you might want to influence, direct, guide, control, dictate to, or persuade other people to your way of thinking or doing things, you can only do this if they let you. And the more you try, the less successful you’re likely to be.

Your way isn’t necessarily the only way, or even the best way. It’s the way you prefer. That doesn’t mean it must be the way other people have to do things. By all means share knowledge and experiences, identify learning points and strategies that might make something more effective. But don’t expect others to do exactly as you tell them just because you think they should.

And those meals?

Well, I’m getting better at sitting on my hands and keeping my mouth shut as the years go by, and he’s never poisoned me yet!

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Will your self belief win the fight?

We can learn a lot about self belief from garden weeds:

Your average weed doesn’t know it’s a weed (and it’s just a matter of opinion anyway, in another garden it might be a welcome flower) – it believes it’s a plant with a job to do: get out there and grow. Unfortunately for our weed the gardener has different ideas and isn’t prepared to give it ‘garden room’. The gardener has a range of different techniques to meet the variety of weeds he encounters: douse it in chemicals, cut it off or dig it out; but weeds are a lot smarter than that. They’ve developed ways of surviving almost anything the gardener can throw at them.

Maybe it has a tap root that lies deep below the surface and snaps off before the gardener can dig deep enough. Then once the immediate danger is over, the remaining root gets to work restoring itself.

Or maybe the root grows horizontally in sections that each throws up a shoot capable of becoming a new plant. It willingly gives up individual shoots to preserve the root, letting them snap off easily and making the gardener believe he’s succeeded this time. But each tiny section of root has the capability of regeneration, so even if he succeeds in getting rid of 99% of it – which is highly unlikely – that single tiny piece can start the dynasty off again.

Sometimes the weed hides itself under other plants to get time to set seed. Those seeds can lie dormant for some time, lulling the gardener into the misguided belief that he’s finally won.

Whatever technique the weed applies the gardener is unlikely to succeed without many repeated attempts to rid himself of the unwelcome visitor, if at all. And that weed has no conception that it might not succeed. No-one’s ever told it what might happen when it pushes its shoot above the ground, no-one’s ever suggested it might be better not to try. It has no concept of failure.

Imagine what YOU could do if you had such self belief, if you too had no concept of failure.

Imagine having the resilience to keep bouncing back, whatever obstacles were put in your way.

Imagine having the commitment to stick to your task through thick and thin.

Imagine having the flexibility to change direction and find a different route if your first one became blocked … or your second … third … sixth … tenth….

Imagine having the determination to keep fighting back.

Imagine having such strong self belief that you know you will succeed in the end, however long it takes.

Now get out there and grow!

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