When you really need to know something, or communicate something important forget email or other written communications. Try your best to do it in person, ideally face to face.

Why?

Written communication of any sort can be frustratingly ineffective and have extremely negative results.

Say things face to face and you'll avoid misunderstandings

You send an email or write a letter asking questions of someone. They choose which – if any – of your questions to reply to. The answers aren’t what you expected. Maybe they didn’t tell you everything you wanted, or needed to know. Maybe they chose to ignore some of your questions completely. Maybe the answer they gave didn’t make sense to you – they interpreted the question in a different way than you wanted them to. Whichever applies, you’re not much further forward than when you started.

So you try again. Depending on whether it’s a formal or informal communication, to a friend or stranger, you start again. Maybe you ask further questions based on their previous answers, or maybe you have to rephrase your question or simply ask it again. And again, you may not get the reply you’re hoping for. Your questions may still be ignored or misinterpreted.

The problem is that you don’t know what’s happening. You don’t know if someone is deliberately avoiding answering your questions or whether you haven’t stated them clearly enough. And if you keep to written communication there’s a chance you’ll never find out, even if you go so far as to ask: ‘Why aren’t you answering my questions??’ In fact this strategy is likely to lead result in even less effective communications.

If you’re dealing with a business, chances are you’ll stop trying and look elsewhere for another company to work with. If you’ve got a complaint, failure to communicate effectively at this first level can easily escalate a simple matter into a more serious situation.

But if you can actually see the person you need information from it’s so much easier.

If your question isn’t answered or you don’t get enough information from the answer you can pursue it straight away. You can ask more questions or say things differently if you need to. And it’s easier to tell when someone is trying to avoid answering you – and deal with it. You’ve got the opportunity to ask them direct if there is a reason for their avoidance. And, in person, you can make sure you do this in a way that won’t upset or annoy them.

In person you have the benefit of body language and other non-verbal signs to better help you understand the conversation. Facial expressions, changes in posture or breathing: all these things contribute to the conversation, enriching it or signaling difficulties or concerns.

If you can’t see the person but you can speak to them, you don’t have as many advantages but you’re still far better placed than if you’re writing. Someone on the other end of a telephone line being asked a direct question has less chance to avoid it without being challenged. You need to proceed carefully to find out the reasons for avoidance, but you’re much more likely to succeed than if your contact is totally impersonal.

Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to be in that face to face situation, especially if your communication is likely to upset the other person. Ending a relationship, telling someone they’ve been unsuccessful at interview, sacking someone or making them redundant are all situations most people would prefer to avoid. Dealing with others’ emotions makes many people uncomfortable, even tongue-tied.

Avoiding things by falling back on written communications doesn’t really make it better. You either agonize over the content of the ‘letter’ or you make it brief, even abrupt, leaving out things you might want to say. But chances are you still say them – inside your head, acting out scenarios. You still go through the emotions whether you’re face to face or not. And you don’t know how the recipient will deal with your missive. You can’t soften the blow in any way, however hard you try with your words.

Uncomfortable as it might feel at the time, having the courage to take a face to face approach whenever you can will actually give you the more comfortable outcome with far less chance for lingering misunderstanding.

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I want it all, and I want it now!

The mantra of consumerist society.

Clever marketers have persuaded us to believe that we just can’t live without whatever new product they want to promote. Actually they know, and we know if we’re honest, that we can easily survive without that latest gizmo. But they’re skilled at making us believe that, if we don’t rush out to get it, we’ll somehow be inferior, out of step, out of touch.

It’s okay to have a different make or model of cellphone from your friend, so long as you’ve both got one that takes pictures, accesses the internet, holds more music than you could ever listen to and makes a fantastic latte. If you’re still walking about with something the thickness of a candy bar that only lets you make calls and send messages, you’re up there with the dinosaurs – even if the gadget does everything you want of it.

Expectations have been created in our children that there’s an electronic solution to everything, and that this is the best – even the correct – solution. Even toddlers can have their own play versions of laptops, cellphones, music and movie players. Those marketers are smart: hook them into the idea early and you’ve got them for life.

Look round at children in airports waiting for planes. How many of them are in some way hooked in to electronic machines? Teenagers and adults too. Dad gives his son a gizmo to keep him busy so he can check the ballgame results on the web in peace.

It’s not just entertainment. Satellite navigation is also being pushed as a ‘must have’, turning the traveller from a thinking machine into an automaton, responding to commands, even if these don’t seem to make sense (it looks like a dead end but if the satnav says to turn there, it must be right). Cars are becoming more dependent on computers that diagnose faults whose solution is usually to replace a part, rather than repair it.

We’re growing a generation of people who expect their every entertainment need to come from a shiny little box. Or a shiny big box hanging on a wall emitting larger than life pictures. A whole bunch of people who are being discouraged from thinking and acting for themselves, of making their own entertainment. People who don’t know how to do simple repairs, or even maintenance checks on equipment. A generation who believe that home-made bread comes out of a machine sitting on the kitchen counter, an hour or so after all the ingredients have been tossed together.

What sort of legacy is this for our children? For YOUR children?

If they always expect someone or something to provide a solution to their needs, be it entertainment, equipment problems and household repairs, or travel directions, they’ll go through life relying on others.

Do them a big favour and make sure they grow up with their own coping skills and resilience. Limit the amount of time spent on electronic games and computers and make sure your child has a variety of different stimuli that will develop different skills and abilities.

Here are some suggestions to get you started:

Use pen and paper based word and number puzzles to develop writing skills including spelling and grammar, as well as logic and reasoning.

Get them involved in practical tasks around the home to build practical skills and confidence. A cake baked at home gives much more satisfaction than one bought in a shop, even if the shop-bought one looks more attractive.

Teach stewardship. If something goes wrong or breaks, explore repair before replacement. Help your child to understand that we don’t live in a throw-away world.

Make sure they interact with others. Too many electronic games are played solo, or turn by turn, and even when there is more interaction it’s rarely face to face. Help your child build socializing skills, learn to give and take, and to win and lose in real life.

Invest your own time with your child so he can talk to adults as well as people closer to his own age. Discuss current affairs and encourage your child to express and explain his views. The more comfortable he is with talking, forming opinions and debating them, the better prepared he’ll be for the world of work. And he’ll be better able to discuss any personal issues that arise.

Encourage links between the generations. Many adults regret not knowing more about their family history. If there are elderly relatives in your family get them talking about their childhood but make it relevant for your child. Talk about the first television set, a rare trip somewhere, an eccentric or noteworthy ancestor.

Make sure your child reads regularly and not just off a screen. Make available books and magazines on things that interest her, and ask her to read things to you – a recipe while you’re baking, the instructions to set the DVD, anything that will make sure she’s seeing correct spelling and grammar, rather than only being exposed to the language of computers and cellphones.

On a car journey, take a map. Plan your own journey then see how it compares to your satnav one. Follow the satnav directions on your map. Look at the places you’re passing through: are there interesting things to see? Strange names for places? You can bet your satnav voice won’t be giving you a commentary about the country you’re going through.

The younger you can start this the more effective you can be. But for older children who have already become slaves to their electronic toys, only switching them off when there’s something they really must watch on television, the task is both urgent and important if you want them to develop self reliance rather than always looking to someone – or something – else to solve all their problems.

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Have you ever watched children playing together?

Often they start off happily enough but after a while things start to go wrong. Maybe they both want to play with the same toy at the same time, maybe they both want to set the rules of the game. Whatever it is, they hit a point when they are no longer able to play successfully, so they part.

Parting may only mean turning their backs on each other, rather than actually going apart, but in effect it’s giving them some mental space from each other. They have time to focus on themselves and their own actions without thinking about anyone else.

If they stay in the same room, chances are this ‘time out’ may not last too long. After no more than a few minutes they may make tentative gestures to one another, non-verbal hints that they’re ready to get back together. And soon they’re playing happily again, as if nothing had happened.

And usually this is the case as far as the children are concerned. As an observer we know something did happen. We know there was a situation that caused them to break apart. But they have let this flow past them, out of their minds.

As we get older we seem less able to do this. We seem to need to hold on to the hurts and slurs. When we have a disagreement with someone, or something goes wrong in our lives, we need to pick it to pieces, to investigate and recreate in our minds, to rehearse different scenarios, maybe to apportion blame. Sadly the last thing we’re likely to do is put it fully behind us and ‘let bygones be bygones’.

The danger of this is that we carry this baggage around with us and, like, the stereotypical cavernous woman’s handbag that holds everything bar the kitchen sink, we can pull it out whenever we need it. So next time we see the person we disagreed with, rather than starting afresh we quickly recall the recent hurts, and our attitude and behavior is based on these.

Maybe we’ll try to avoid him or perhaps we’ll try to slip a pertinent remark into the conversation, just to make sure he knows we haven’t forgotten what happened.

If we have to work with her and the problem was about a previous work assignment, maybe we’ll feel the need to bring it up ‘just to make sure we don’t have that happening again’.

Depending on how the event was perceived and remembered by the other person, we may find we create a hostile situation where none needed to exist. Or maybe there’s embarrassment over a genuine error that they hoped was now in the past. Perhaps there will be ‘point scoring’: our opening volley is met with a reply of ‘Oh that; surely you’re not still letting that bother you’, making it clear that we’re the one who holds onto, and worries about things.

And sometimes we can meet genuine bewilderment from the other person. They’re still able to use that childhood knack of putting something completely behind them. There are no negative feelings attached to the experience, it’s still in their memory but filed away with all the other miscellaneous stimuli they receive, rather than in their ‘must remember and re-use in anger’ drawer. So when we bring it up they honestly don’t have a clue what we’re talking about. And if we pursue the matter chances are we’ll just make fools of ourselves and feel even worse about it all.

That childhood skill is a good one to learn. Life shouldn’t be made up of worries about things that really don’t matter, about imagined insults, about missed opportunities or misinterpreted ‘wrongs’.

Start practicing now:

Next time you encounter someone with whom you think you have some ‘baggage’ act as if you don’t. Make a fresh start; treat them like someone you’re meeting for the first time. Forget all those preconceptions and past impressions. Give them another chance and they’ll most likely respond in the same way.

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Children have lots to teach us - if we watch and learn

There’s a lot of disagreement about how soon children are able to understand things and take responsibility.

In the area of money, for example: how early can you start to teach children key lessons about spending and saving? And how soon should you expect them to understand the consequences of their actions?

Watching our daughter discipline her first child was an educational process. She used a version of the ‘naughty step’ – in her case choosing a suitable corner for her daughter to go and stand while contemplating the action she had just been disciplined for. Rather than putting a time limit on the visit to the corner, the child was told to stay there until she had worked things out in her own mind. After a few minutes, mother would ask if she was ready to rejoin the family. Often she was, and the first action would be a quiet discussion between mother and daughter to ensure things had been understood correctly.

But sometimes when asked – and this always made me smile – daughter would say she wasn’t and would be left a little longer. Once she was ready she was allowed to tell her mother this, and again there would be a brief discussion before anything else.

We witnessed this process when the child was only 3 or 4 years old, and she was certainly capable of understanding it and benefiting from the consistent approach it gave her.

A couple of weeks ago our daughter and children came to stay with us in Greece. The youngest child is now four, and she too gave us some insight into how even young children can take responsibility. If you’ve visited Greece you’ll know their plumbing is interesting, a key feature being that you can’t flush toilet paper or other similar items down the toilet, otherwise the narrowness of the pipes will lead to a blockage.

Most public places such as hotels, restaurants and airports have prominently displayed notices and it’s one of the things you need to do to acclimatize guests. It’s always a bit worrying with visitors from countries with more usual plumbing: will your memories of their stay include that visit from the plumber to unblock your drains? Faced with visitors aged 8 and 4, the outlook didn’t seem positive. But we were pleasantly surprised.

Mum explained the prohibition to them on their first day and we only had one instance of forgetfulness – that from the older child, who immediately realized her mistake and came to tell us before flushing, seemingly willing to fish the offending paper out if necessary. And the younger child – who I took to restaurant toilets on more than one occasion – was impressive. She reminded me each time about the need to put toilet paper in the bin, not down the toilet.

We were also impressed with their attitude to money. Mum had given them a daily spending limit, this being money that they could choose to spend on anything they wanted. They were free to waste it if they chose, but once it was gone, it was gone. And by negotiation they could have an advance if they wanted to buy something that cost over their limit, but this was an advance from their own money, not a sub from mum.

Both children handled this situation well. Each chose her own purchases, sometimes not spending all the allowance, other times frittering it away on games. The eldest bought a swimming mask which turned out to leak; the youngest a branded ‘goody bag’ that failed to live up to its promise. But there was no complaint, no expectation that they should be reimbursed by mother for purchases that failed to satisfy. They accepted what had happened, and that this was part of life.

And neither child trailed around shops uttering the immortal ‘mum, can I have …?’

Who says you can’t teach ‘em while they’re young?

And if young children show this capability to learn, understand and apply their knowledge from an early age, how is it that many adults struggle to do the same?

Like many of the clipart images I use, this is from Paul Sherman’s extensive collection at www.wpclipart.com which Paul started a few years ago as a ’safe’ collection of clipart for his children. If you’re looking for an image, why not give it a visit…

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Yesterday we spent an hour or so at the local doctor’s surgery, which offered a couple of interesting observations on human nature.

In England getting to see a doctor was always something of a challenge. An appointment was always needed, but getting one wasn’t easy. Starting the phone calls from the minute the surgery opened, constant redialing until you got a ringing tone, then hanging on … and on … and on; knowing that if you put the phone down that elusive ringing tone would never be found again.

Eventually you’d secure the first available appointment, usually be a couple of days later. By the time you finally got to see the doctor you were likely better or beyond his help. And even having that treasured appointment time was no guarantee that you wouldn’t be faced with a long wait. Appointments at 5 minute intervals – the norm – were rarely sufficient for that consultation.

Greece, by comparison, hasn’t got around to the concept of doctors’ appointments (not our part of Greece anyway). So you just turn up and wait your turn. This is good, because it means you will actually be seen on the day you want to be, but not so good because you don’t know how long it may take.

Our local surgery usually has just one doctor on duty, and no nurses or reception staff. No nursing staff means the doctor deals with everything is presented, including routine checking and dressing of wounds. When someone goes into the surgery you have no idea of how long they will be. Doctors don’t have that notional ‘5 minute slot’ – they take as long as their patient needs.

And no reception staff means you rely on people taking their turn. There is no ticket system, and patients sit or stand anywhere in the waiting area, or even outside. In fact nothing except observation and goodwill ensures that people form a virtual ‘orderly queue’. When someone believes they are next in line they will stand immediately outside the surgery door, or move to the chair closest to it, and this is rarely challenged.

Yesterday we’d been waiting for around an hour, knowing we were 5th in the queue. The current patient had been in over 15 minutes and appeared to be a dressing change, the doctor coming out to collect cloths and solutions at intervals. A lady ahead of us had been getting more and more agitated as she waited, sighing, muttering to herself, and looking at her watch. Then another lady, who had arrived maybe 5 minutes earlier, walked across from where she had been sitting and sat on the empty chair immediately outside the doctor’s door, offering a few words to the people around her to justify her actions.

This second lady was well down the queue, but evidently planning to get the doctor’s attention as soon as she could. The first lady was extremely unhappy at this, and placed herself outside the surgery door, back at the front of the queue. A discussion began between the two, getting more heated by the second. We couldn’t understand this but the gist of it seemed to be: “I only need to speak to the doctor for a minute.” “Not before I see him, you don’t. I’ve been waiting hours and you’re not getting in ahead of me.” said in increasingly strong tones by each of them.

To add to the tension, the doctor came out of the surgery for more supplies and acknowledged the second lady. Even so, the first lady wasn’t giving way, and made it very clear by her words and body language that this was the case.

It’s standard practice in Greece for people to knock on a surgery door, or have a very quick word with a doctor or dentist – or bank clerk or any other official for that matter – while that person is dealing with someone else. It happens everywhere, and people see nothing wrong with it. In fact doctors and dentists will sometimes tell their patients to do this. Maybe this doctor had seen the second lady earlier and actually told her to come to the front of the queue when she came back?

When the current patient finally came out it was like watching a scrum. Both ladies were determined to be next to see the doctor and the exiting patient had to dodge between them as they raced for the lead. The first lady won, and shut the door firmly in her opponent’s face.

Whilst this altercation was happening a mother had joined the queue with her son, probably aged around 12. She also had a dialog with some of the people waiting, asking how many doctors were on duty, and working out how long the queue was. It was clear that her son was the patient, although on sight he didn’t look to be particularly suffering.

An elderly man, who was behind us in the queue, spoke to another man, who was in front of us, (and we had all been waiting well over an hour). He was saying “I think the child should go first, how about you?”. The second man agreed, and they declared to everyone else “The child goes first” (not that he would have stood a chance against either of the two women!).

Sad to say, the second example surprised me most. The world seems to have more people who are keen to assert their rights and fight for their place than to be generous and giving to others.

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Do you get caught up in the 'crowd' response to situations?

It was a surprise to hear Michael Jackson had died aged just 50. My partner saw it on an internet news site and we briefly read the story, skimming over the inevitable trawl through the more unattractive side of his unusual life. But that was it. Our curiosity about the cause of death was answered, and our interest was over, beyond remarking on the sadness of such an early death for anyone.

But almost immediately the ‘lemming mentality’ started to emerge.

People on Facebook (and doubtless other places) joining groups related to him that mostly didn’t exist the day before he died.

A download site showing that the most popular music and video downloads were suddenly all related to his work, when he hadn’t really featured previously.

On-line reportage encouraging people to leave comments and tributes.

Fans devastated by their grief.

And doubtless many more public outpourings if you choose to look.

Why does this happen?

If people really appreciated the ‘King of Pop’ why did they wait until he died to join these groups?

If they really liked his music and videos why didn’t they get them before he died?
Or maybe they already have copies, but somehow think one downloaded after his death will be different?

How did we ever evolve into a society where the death of a famous person has the power to generate such responses?

There are many examples of where people are motivated to take action by a sad or tragic event. The diagnosis with, or death of a loved one from, a known disease often prompts people into a frenzy of fund-raising for a cause they were never concerned about before.

I’m not an unfeeling person, but I just can’t understand why people have this need to join a cause or demonstrate public grief in this way. Killer diseases have been around for a long time, and funds for research and treatment have been needed. Celebrities have died young from all manner of expected and unexpected causes.

But it seems that there’s more kudos in jumping on the bandwagon after the event than showing support for that same cause, or in that celebrity, before it happens.

That same sort of crowd mentality creates many other unhelpful ‘lemming-like’ responses:

A rush to sell shares or withdraw money from a financial institution when someone in the media says things are getting bad, which then just makes things worse than they might have been;

Fears about the latest ‘killer’ disease so blown up by the media that normal people start over-reacting and taking extreme preventative action;

Newspapers and television full of doom and gloom stories of the economic woes, so that even those who are least affected begin to worry more than they need to;

People putting themselves into debt because they’ve been persuaded their life won’t be worth living without the latest designer product;

Parents who queue through the night for the latest book or game for their kids, convinced the child will ’suffer’ if they’re not the first to possess it;

Crazy hype about the world ending, or Y2K meltdown (remember that?) that result in otherwise sensible people stockpiling food and bottled water.

It seems the common denominator in all this is the media.

Years ago, when we just had daily newspapers and limited television and radio reportage, it was easier to keep things in perspective. You had time to think about what you were reading or hearing. You weren’t bombarded with a story from so many – usually negative – angles. There was far less sensationalizing about things. And, significantly, it took time to communicate.

In today’s ‘instant’ society, no sooner has something happened than the web is broadcasting it, all the media hacks are digging out and cross referencing every scrap of related – however dubiously – material to be re-worked. All of them want to be first; all of them want to say something different, all of them are silently screaming “read ME”, “watch ME” in a desperate need to get someone’s attention.

Nor will they leave it alone. Take Michael Jackson again. The death itself, the funeral, memorials, the start date of his planned world tour, are all occasions to repeat (with minute alterations) the stories.

Take my advice: do everything you can to jump off the bandwagon. Stop being seduced by the media, stop clinging on to the latest fashionable cause, and be your own person. Choose your own causes to support, in your own way, at your own time. Take back control of your own thoughts, reactions and emotions rather than responding to what others are saying you should be thinking, feeling and doing.

You’ll feel much better for it.

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Do YOUR kids think there's one of these growing in the garden?

The Importance of Savings
Whenever you get some money, whether you’ve been given it or earned it, don’t be tempted to spend it all. Make sure you put a proportion on one side as savings. Not savings for something specific, savings that can be a buffer for those times when money gets tight or you have unexpected expenses. And if you need to dip into those savings, replace what you took as soon as you can.

The Benefits of Planned Savings
Make sure your savings earn you money. As a young child, knowing the number of coins you’ve got in a piggy bank is growing is a good incentive to save. But as soon as possible you should get this money working for your child. Investigate savings accounts geared towards children but don’t automatically choose one of these unless it is a good investment. Ideally you should find a savings account that pays interest gross, so your children don’t lose money in unnecessary taxes. If you can find an account that pays monthly interest and encourages regular saving, all the better. And consider using a notice account where they can’t just withdraw money whenever they want. You could get a better interest rate that way.

Really Making Your Money Work for You
Show your child the benefits of compound interest, either through their own account or yours. Show them that money saved earns interest not only on the original amount, but on the interest itself. Get them to see savings as a way of acquiring extra money without doing anything for it – apart from not touching their savings of course!

It’s Worth Waiting
Always apply the concept of ‘wait a while’ when your child wants something, especially something expensive or ‘hot off the press’. Instead of buying it straight away, agree to wait for an agreed period first. This will do several things:

Firstly it will show whether the article is really wanted. If, after waiting three months, your child still wants to purchase then it’s a committed buy, rather than a whim. But if they’re no longer that interested, they haven’t wasted money on something they would have quickly grown tired of.

Secondly, and particularly if the article was a new release of something expensive like software or cell phones, the price may well have fallen. Anyone who buys into a technology product as soon as it’s released is spending money they don’t need to. Often after only a few months these products can show significant price reductions. The opposite side of this is that similar products, or earlier versions, may also show price reductions in an effort to maintain market share, so there could be other bargains to compare the original item against.

Thirdly, it will show your child that, despite what the marketing people or their friends say, it IS possible to survive without those ‘must have’ items. This begins to break the hold of the instant gratification culture.

Money Isn’t a Dirty Word
Talking openly about money is a good thing. Many families try to shield their children from discussions about money, especially if they are having difficulties or worried about paying bills. But if you don’t share this with your children how can you expect them to ever develop a realistic understanding of money?

If they aren’t involved in discussions about budgeting, cutting back, changing spending habits etc. you’re doing them a real disservice in preparing them for future life. And if they don’t understand your financial situation they can’t give you their support. Don’t underestimate your kids: if they know cutbacks are needed they’re likely to come up with their own ideas, both for cutting their own spending AND for cutting back on household expenses.

Money Isn’t Everything
We live in a society that has been persuaded to believe that the only things worth having are those that cost money. We’ve been lulled into the false belief that anything that’s cheap – or free – is inferior. But that’s not always the case.

A country walk with a picnic prepared at home costs little money-wise, but pays dividends in terms of the quality time you all get to spend together.

Family efforts like tidying the yard or clearing the garage can be great fun and lead to other activities, such as collecting a stack of items to sell on eBay.

Growing things is an excellent way of teaching deferred gratification: that plant is going to grow in its own time, however much you want to rush it. And if you grow edibles as well as garden plants you get a double benefit. There are lots of things that can be grown in pots, tubs or window boxes, and that are easy enough to care for that the kids can be given partial or complete responsibility. When you’re eating salad with tomatoes, peppers and lettuce grown by your children, their satisfaction and your pride are priceless.

Get the kids involved in staging their own entertainment. Older children could act out stories for younger ones. You could search the web for puzzles or questions and put together your own quizzes and competitions with prizes. Sort through old photographs and start to build a family tree. The possibilities are endless. All it takes is a little imagination.

With older children get them exploring career ideas on the web to start preparing for their own future. The more they learn now, the better prepared they’ll be when they need to make decisions about college and employment. And you will be better prepared to support them, and avoid costly mistakes from hastily made choices.

Many activities that cost money offer temporary satisfaction, and need a regular ‘fix’ to keep that going. Substitute lower cost or free activities that develop your child’s own internal resources: their sense of responsibility, creativity, self confidence, real social skills (as opposed to exercising their texting thumbs), reasoning skills etc. and you’re giving them a priceless gift for life.

Money Doesn’t Bring Happiness
There are many examples of people with lots of money who are beset with difficulties – just read the pages of any celebrity rag.

More difficult to find, there are also examples of people enjoying a satisfying, fulfilling life on a low income.

That’s not to say that money can’t result in happiness, but just possession won’t do it. What you do with the money you have is far more significant than the amount you possess. If you use money to facilitate real life choices (we’re not talking about designer trappings here, but things of real value) then the outcome can be positive. And if you can create happiness on a limited amount of money, you’ve found the key to a good life.

Make sure your children don’t make the mistake of equating money with happiness or a trouble-free life. The more realistic their attitude towards money, the better chance they have of avoiding the pitfalls of worshipping at the altar of materialism.

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Whenever you’re hesitant or downright afraid to do something, a good way of getting past the moment is to stop for a minute and think about what you’re doing to scare yourself. Be open and honest with yourself about what’s happening, and bring your fear out into the open.

Here are some examples to show you what I mean:

Putting off asking for that raise - what's causing your fear?

I want to show my friends my new business idea but I’m scared to do it in case they think I’m after their money.

I want to ask my boss for a raise but I’m afraid he might tell me he’s not happy with my work.

I want to tell my partner about my dreams to go self employed but I’m scared she’ll tell me I’m a no-hoper.

I want to tell my parents I’m gay but I’m afraid they’ll get upset.

I want to tell my co-workers about my ideas for the new project but I’m afraid they’ll think I’m stupid.

I want to contribute to the debate in class but I’m scared someone will tell me I’ve got my facts wrong, and make me look stupid.

I want to talk over our relationship with my partner, but I’m afraid he’ll think I want to break up.

Get the idea?

The benefit of doing this is that now you know what your imagination is doing. And it is your imagination. Unless and until you actually do something you don’t know what the outcome will be. But that doesn’t stop you predicting it, right? And your prediction doesn’t have to be based on fact, or any probability of whether it’s likely to happen.

Take asking your boss for that raise. Maybe you’ve had a good appraisal or you’ve been complimented on recent work. But that doesn’t stop you thinking the boss could find fault with you. Maybe he won’t give you a raise – maybe the company can’t afford one at this time, or there’s an annual review program you have to work within. Whatever, there could be lots of reasons for him not giving you a raise that have absolutely nothing to do with your work, and being afraid to ask for one is definitely there on the list.

Or how about telling your parents you’re gay. You assume they’ll be upset. But maybe they’ve been wondering about your out-of-character behaviour anyway. Maybe they’re worried that you’ve become secretive or distant. Maybe they’ll be relieved to find the real reason isn’t something detrimental to your health, like drug abuse. Maybe they’ll be pleased to see you’ve found happiness. You can’t know until you take the step of talking to them.

Another benefit of finding out what your imagination is doing to scare you is that you can plan how to deal with the consequences.

If you tell your parents you’re gay maybe they will be upset. You have the opportunity to consider how you’re going to act, how you can best prepare them. Unless they’ve already guessed the situation you’re definitely going to be presenting them with some information that they’ll need time to get used to and you have the opportunity to help them with that.

If you’re afraid your friends will think you’re after your money for your new business idea, you can make sure you present it in such a way that they don’t think this. In fact you can turn it the other way and tell them you really don’t want – or need – their money and you wouldn’t prey on their friendship in this way. But then again you might just find that they’re interested in your idea and impressed with your commitment, and they want to invest in you or buy your product.

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If you're going to comment on how tidy I am, don't bother visiting

Years ago, I used to clean my cooker when I was expecting a visit from my partner’s mother.

A friend of mine put a fresh coat of paint on the bedroom walls when they had relatives coming to stay.

Another friend apologises for not having dusted the furniture whenever we go round.

What’s going on here?

Why are so many people concerned about what others will think of them, how they will be judged? What are they afraid of?

When I visit someone, I’ve gone to see them. I’m interested in the individuals not their surroundings. Granted I may comment on a nice piece of furniture, an ornament or picture, but I’m not going to comment on whether the house is freshly cleaned and polished – either while I’m there or when I’ve gone home again. I don’t climb in my car, turn to my husband and say ‘Well aren’t they a messy couple?’

I asked my friend about the decorating: would her family really comment on the state of the paintwork (especially given the house is only a few years old and by no means in needs of painting)? No, she replied, they wouldn’t actually say anything, but they would notice (and presumably discuss it among themselves after the visit was over?). I wonder…

When we judge or criticise someone we are automatically setting ourselves above them. We are making the assumption that we are in some way morally superior – in our opinions, our tastes, our actions – whatever. We have no right to do this; whoever we’re criticising hasn’t given us explicit permission to do so. But if you worry about what others will say, you are implying that permission. You are choosing to give someone else moral superiority over you.

In doing this you also give away control. They may make judgements that are incorrect or unfair and there is nothing you can do about it. Chances are that you’re expecting them to make negative judgements anyway, otherwise why would you go to so much effort to ‘impress’ them?

If the judgements or criticisms find their way back to you, you may feel a desire to defend yourself, to apologise in some way for the fact that you haven’t met someone else’s standards, to explain why you made a particular decision or took a particular course of action. You are again confirming your inferiority to your critic.

Maybe this is why many people struggle with the concept of constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism is designed to be positive and helpful. It’s an opportunity to gain input from someone about something you did or said, identify what was good and not so good about it; and what and how you could make it better. Negative issues can be discussed calmly, exploring the reasoning behind an action, rather than just making an assumption based on the final impression.

If you’re used to destructive criticism, to judgements made without reference to the facts, then constructive criticism can be a difficult process. It’s an interactive process designed to benefit all parties. But experiences of destructive criticism and judgement don’t encourage someone to open up and discuss things. If you’re in the habit of defending yourself against the judgements of others you’re unlikely to find it easy to engage in calm discussion.

And even when someone comments positively on your actions you may still feel a need to explain them. You’re so unused to receiving positive input that you don’t recognise it when it’s staring you in the face.

Being assessed on your performance is similarly an exercise in constructive criticism. But it doesn’t always work out as a positive experience. When I first trained as a Careers Adviser the first year after completing my studies was a probationary period, when I had to complete various exercises and demonstrate that I had acquired key skills. Most of the assessments were done by my Line Manager. After interviews or group sessions we would sit down to discuss my performance.

I was comfortable with the process and welcomed insights on how I could improve my delivery. Unfortunately he was far less comfortable with the discussion. He was okay giving me feedback but as soon as I responded to this, developing the discussion, he would back off. He told me that he shouldn’t have to defend his comments – even though I wasn’t attacking or disagreeing with them, I just wanted to be sure I understood them.

My Manager wanted a one-way process: he would feed back, I would listen. So I rarely had the opportunity to really explore and understand his observations, and I was left feeling dissatisfied with the whole procedure. Maybe he’d been subjected to lots of negative criticism himself in the past; I never got the chance to find out as he would end our feedback sessions quickly when I tried to engage in a two-way discussion.

When you’re in a position to pass judgement on someone, either within your job or on a more informal basis, stop and think.

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How often do you dig up the past, especially those things from your past that weren’t good. Do you re-live past events or conversations in your mind, remembering the negative experiences, feeling again the hurt, anger or disappointment. Maybe you, like a lot of people, construct your own version of ‘Groundhog Day’, re-running events with different dialog and better endings than the original.

The past has gone and you can’t go back. You can’t un-say or un-do things. You can’t go back and re-run that argument you had with your partner this morning, but you can choose how you feel about it.

What's YOUR choice?

You can choose to be angry or upset.
You can choose to blame your partner for everything that happened.
You can choose to wait until your partner apologizes.
You can choose not to communicate except in one word answers until your partner has apologized AND made things up – to your satisfaction.

And, of course, you can choose not to bother your partner with the details of these choices, but just wait for them to figure out what’s going on.

OR

You can choose to recognize that both of you contributed to the argument, and to accept responsibility for your part.
You can choose to be the first to apologize.
You can choose to be open and honest with your partner, and not expect them to complete some unspoken obstacle course before you will move on.
You can choose to replace anger with understanding, sadness with joy.
You can choose to dwell on the good things in your relationship, rather than prolonging the ill-feelings until you’ve squeezed every last drop of negativity out of them.

It really is your choice. No-one except you is calling the shots.

In your work when something has gone wrong you can’t turn back the clock to make it go right. You can choose to feel bad about what happened, to get angry or look for scapegoats.
You can choose to feel guilty, whatever your level of involvement was.
You can choose to spend lots of time unpicking the situation, examining it in minute detail to find exactly who messed up, when and how so you can make sure they know about it.

OR

You can choose to accept that things don’t always work out as you expect.
You can choose to unpick the situation as a learning experience – to find out what went well, to understand when things started to go off track and how
You can shooce to treat it as an opportunity to move forward , not a chance to rebuke someone.

If you’re unfortunate enough to be rebuked as a result of something going wrong, whether or not   you are culpable

You can choose to be angry and resentful.
You can choose to bad-mouth your colleagues or employer.
You can choose to give less than 100% in future.
You can choose to ‘take your ball home’.

OR

You can choose to replace anger with understanding.
You can choose to replace resentment with enthusiasm.
You can choose to replace reluctance with commitment.
You can choose to contribute to a dialog that will help reduce future difficulties for everyone.
You have the choice about how you feel in your working environment and with co-workers.

When your children do something they shouldn’t have

You can choose to get angry and shout at them in front of their friends.
You can choose to say ‘because I said so’ in explanation.
You can choose to deny them privileges without them really understanding why.
You can choose to chastise one minute then hug them to you the next, confusing the heck out of them as to whether they did wrong or not (and making them think that doing wrong is okay, because there are always hugs after the shouting is over).

OR

You can choose to discuss what happened quietly and calmly.
You can choose to explain why you are unhappy with their actions.
You can choose to use the event as an opportunity to build good values in your child.
You can choose to agree – and apply – any punishment in a consistent manner.

Which will YOU choose?

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