We’ve been doing some thinking lately.

Not that we don’t think all the time but, like many people, we have a tendency to get stuck into things and get on with them, not always stepping back and taking a look at the whole picture as often as we might.

A few days ago we sat down and had a discussion, the outcome of which was that we decided we aren’t too happy about some of the things that we’re doing:

Fail to revisit your goals regularly and you may get bogged down in unnecessary clutter

We’ve fallen into routines that have become stale and sometimes frustrating

We’re doing things not because we want to, but because we think we should

We’re losing focus on what really matters – to us!

We’re wasting a lot of time going down paths that aren’t leading us to where we want to be

We’re collecting a lot of resources that we’re unlikely to use

The upshot is that we agreed to take a break and spend some time thinking about what we really want to achieve in our lives, and how our current plans and activities fit in with this.

Inevitably there will be things we discard. These are things that, in hindsight, we no longer want to pursue. Things that don’t satisfy us or don’t contribute to our current goals. There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s not wise to set a goal ‘in stone’ as no-one knows what is likely to happen tomorrow or next week. Often circumstances will change meaning that the goal – or the steps planned towards it – needs to be modified. This is called REAL LIFE!

This doesn’t mean that setting goals should be entered into lightly, or not set at all. When we originally made our plans we were committed to them, and we set about translating the goals into actions methodically. Time moved on, things changed; these changes impacted on our original plans. We aren’t discarding things lightly either. We’ve had a lot of discussions about how and why things have changed, and what we should do about it.

The danger in this situation is that we could fail to make the changes we’ve now identified. After all, we’ve put an awful lot of time and effort into things over the last year. There’s a tendency to want to hang on, to retain things that have already been created even if they no longer fit into the picture, just because of the time and effort we’ve already invested in them. But this would be wrong. Unless we’re willing to discard and move on we won’t really move on.

One of the first actions we’re taking is to de-clutter. For us this is mostly a virtual de-clutter: sorting through all those computer-based resources we’ve accumulated and dumping those we don’t need (including those multiple copies of things we filed in several places so they’d always be handy!). This is a time investment that will eventually free up our time as it should be easier to find things. Plus, we can be more confident that the resources we’ve retained are things we will actually use. Then we just need to apply these excellent criteria to anything new that comes our way!

Once completed we’ll not only have a ‘lighter’ computer, we’ll have cleared some of the fluff from our minds and be ready and motivated to start afresh in a slightly different direction from that we were heading in before. And still on track to achieve our life goals.…

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Children have lots to teach us - if we watch and learn

There’s a lot of disagreement about how soon children are able to understand things and take responsibility.

In the area of money, for example: how early can you start to teach children key lessons about spending and saving? And how soon should you expect them to understand the consequences of their actions?

Watching our daughter discipline her first child was an educational process. She used a version of the ‘naughty step’ – in her case choosing a suitable corner for her daughter to go and stand while contemplating the action she had just been disciplined for. Rather than putting a time limit on the visit to the corner, the child was told to stay there until she had worked things out in her own mind. After a few minutes, mother would ask if she was ready to rejoin the family. Often she was, and the first action would be a quiet discussion between mother and daughter to ensure things had been understood correctly.

But sometimes when asked – and this always made me smile – daughter would say she wasn’t and would be left a little longer. Once she was ready she was allowed to tell her mother this, and again there would be a brief discussion before anything else.

We witnessed this process when the child was only 3 or 4 years old, and she was certainly capable of understanding it and benefiting from the consistent approach it gave her.

A couple of weeks ago our daughter and children came to stay with us in Greece. The youngest child is now four, and she too gave us some insight into how even young children can take responsibility. If you’ve visited Greece you’ll know their plumbing is interesting, a key feature being that you can’t flush toilet paper or other similar items down the toilet, otherwise the narrowness of the pipes will lead to a blockage.

Most public places such as hotels, restaurants and airports have prominently displayed notices and it’s one of the things you need to do to acclimatize guests. It’s always a bit worrying with visitors from countries with more usual plumbing: will your memories of their stay include that visit from the plumber to unblock your drains? Faced with visitors aged 8 and 4, the outlook didn’t seem positive. But we were pleasantly surprised.

Mum explained the prohibition to them on their first day and we only had one instance of forgetfulness – that from the older child, who immediately realized her mistake and came to tell us before flushing, seemingly willing to fish the offending paper out if necessary. And the younger child – who I took to restaurant toilets on more than one occasion – was impressive. She reminded me each time about the need to put toilet paper in the bin, not down the toilet.

We were also impressed with their attitude to money. Mum had given them a daily spending limit, this being money that they could choose to spend on anything they wanted. They were free to waste it if they chose, but once it was gone, it was gone. And by negotiation they could have an advance if they wanted to buy something that cost over their limit, but this was an advance from their own money, not a sub from mum.

Both children handled this situation well. Each chose her own purchases, sometimes not spending all the allowance, other times frittering it away on games. The eldest bought a swimming mask which turned out to leak; the youngest a branded ‘goody bag’ that failed to live up to its promise. But there was no complaint, no expectation that they should be reimbursed by mother for purchases that failed to satisfy. They accepted what had happened, and that this was part of life.

And neither child trailed around shops uttering the immortal ‘mum, can I have …?’

Who says you can’t teach ‘em while they’re young?

And if young children show this capability to learn, understand and apply their knowledge from an early age, how is it that many adults struggle to do the same?

Like many of the clipart images I use, this is from Paul Sherman’s extensive collection at www.wpclipart.com which Paul started a few years ago as a ’safe’ collection of clipart for his children. If you’re looking for an image, why not give it a visit…

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We have friends who live about 90 minutes drive away on the opposite peninsula of the Peloponnese in southern Greece. They’ve been here longer than we have, first moving out from the UK when they were experiencing difficulties controlling a house build over such a distance and with language challenges. They’ve come through a lot over the past 3 or 4 years: legal issues, difficulties with builders, getting work re-done because it wasn’t up to standard, finding out the hard way that Greek standards and English ones can be very different. But they’ve come through it, and finally have a lovely, high spec home on the edge of a pretty village, with beautiful views over the Gulf of Messinia.

It’s no more than 6 months since they finally moved in to the home that finalized their dream of a new life in Greece. But they’ve already put it on the market and are planning to move back to England. Why? One of them misses family back in the UK, and has found it very difficult to settle.

Another couple we know have also had problems. In their case problems have been created by their ex-developer, whose interpretation of building permissions appears to have been somewhat on the generous side. What seemed like an ideal option: a small plot on the edge of town has turned into a battle over boundaries, access and even electricity supplies. The experience has soured this couple’s feelings about Greece in general, and they’re contemplating selling up and moving back to England – when they finally get everything sorted out, that is.

We’ve heard of another situation where a couple have legally split with their developer – in the middle of a build. So they’re left with a part-completed house, and again with bad feelings about the whole experience. Their initial dream has been shattered, in part by their own expectations coming up against reality, and in part by external factors such as the economic downturn forcing them to consider changes that they didn’t want. In this case we don’t know what the final outcome will be: will they too decide to sell up, or will a distancing period help them get a better perspective again?

All these people started out with a dream. Nothing at all wrong with that, of course. In fact if you don’t dare to dream, chances are you’ll never achieve anything. And without that dream none of these three couples would ever have left the UK.

But having a dream and realizing that dream are very different things. And the route from one to the other is not guaranteed to be smooth. Where that dream is too far from reality chances are that disappointment and disillusionment are just around the corner. All these people have suffered considerable stress and unhappiness from the situation they’ve found themselves in.

In neuro-linguistic programming there is a vital phase in the process of change called future pacing. Basically this means imagining you have already achieved what you want – your dream has become a reality – and checking out what it is actually like. You ask questions like:

How will life be different for me if I achieve what I want?

Who will I be sharing this new life with?

What will I be doing/feeling/thinking?

What will I lose from the life I have now, and am I willing to give these things up?

What could happen to stop me achieving what I want, and what can I do about it?

What will happen if I don’t achieve what I want?

Do I have all the resources I need (personal, financial, knowledge etc.) to achieve what I want? If not, what else do I need to acquire and how can I do this?

Whether it’s a move to a different country, or giving up smoking, asking these questions makes you face up to the reality of what you are planning. True, you can’t predict exactly what every aspect of realizing your dream will be like, but if you give yourself honest answers to the questions you can make sure you address the key issues for you.

If you can’t answer these questions, and demonstrate how you will deal with inevitable obstacles, you’re not ready to go for the dream. Telling yourself it will work out and you’ll worry about things when they happen, not before, may seem a calm, relaxed approach but it only works if you can remain calm and relaxed when things go wrong. This is possible if you are flexible about the finer details of your final outcome. But if your dream is one where every detail is fixed in stone, or your approach is ‘all or nothing’, then failing to future pace your dream is a big mistake.

Here’s an example of how it can be:

Another couple who moved to Greece over 5 years ago were unable to build their dream home immediately as their capital was tied up in a property elsewhere in Europe, which didn’t sell for 4 years. Finally this year they were ready to proceed, but then came the challenges:

Their chosen building company became unresponsive to their emails; a Greece-based alternative was sought but not found. Prices had escalated since their original plans were made, and basic foundation work was going to take a larger slice of their finds than they had bargained for. A couple of health challenges meant they were unlikely to be as actively involved in the construction process as they’d hoped, meaning they would have to pay more for labor costs.

In short, what could go wrong seemed to be going wrong.

But each time they hit a barrier or a new disappointment they stepped back, thought about things and looked for an alternative route. They soon realized their original dream wasn’t going to become their reality, but they reconciled themselves to this and sought alternatives. After waiting so long it must have been immensely disappointing to start the whole thinking and planning phase again, but they accepted this was what they must do, and just got on with it.

This couple had a finite, detailed dream – we’ve seen their building plans. But they were also prepared to make adjustments and to accept that there is more than one acceptable outcome to their plans. They too have found the situation stressful, but at the end of the day they will have a solution they’re comfortable with – and they’ll still be in Greece.

Failure to future pace can lead to a gap between dreams and reality

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Greece, like many other hot countries, suffers the trauma of fires each summer, when there has been no rain for months and the countryside is like a tinderbox just waiting for a flame.

Our first local fire was last Saturday. It started mid afternoon on the hillside behind us and by evening it had really taken hold, lighting up different parts of the hillside as it alternately flared up and calmed down. We watched it for quite a while in the darkness, as did friends across on the opposite peninsula, who had a clear view through their binoculars.

How can people justify doing this deliberately?

The fire was still burning on Sunday morning, though as soon as it was light the planes and helicopters could finally drop masses of sea water onto it, changing the bright flames into dense smoke.

From a safe distance both the fire and the attempts to put it out are impressive, but behind these incidents there is often a very different set of feelings.

Again, like in some other countries these fires do not always start naturally. In fact it’s a way to get around regulations that some people are willing to use, despite the devastation it causes. In Greece, land can be refused building permission if it is deemed to be forest land (i.e. largely covered in non-cultivated trees and shrubs). If you own such land and want to build on it, fire is a good way to get round the obstacles. Or if you just want to clear your land at someone else’s expense.

The problem is that fire, once started is difficult to control. And although the Greeks are well aware of the dangers, they are not usually willing to give up any land to create fire breaks that would limit this danger. They simply must have that extra row of olive trees.  Maybe the fact that the Greek government gives compensation for olive trees and grape vines lost to fire doesn’t help the situation.

Put this all together and you have a recipe for disaster:

People who put their own selfish desires above human life and property.

People who don’t care about the emotional, physical and financial devastation they create in the lives of others.

People who don’t care that the countryside takes years to recover, and that the fear of fires could discourage tourists, thus affecting the economy.

People who seem unafraid that their actions might actually kill people, and who would never see themselves as murderers.

And the sad fact is that, often, the identity of these life wreckers is known – people are pretty confident they know who the local arsonist is – and this isn’t his first time either. The Greek government has announced that they are planning to crack down on the arsonists. They are putting more money into human resources to investigate suspicious fires.

But it’s unlikely that local people will come forward to name the guilty ones. Maybe they fear reprisals; maybe they feel they don’t quite have the proof they need; or maybe they just don’t want to get involved.

How did we ever get to live in a world where some people believe it is acceptable to damage the lives and livelihood of other people in their own greedy desire to get on?

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